God, Jay-Z would hate you. He’d hate you on sight. He wouldn’t be able to hide it. Jay-Z would look at you the way Walter Cronkite would look at Buzzfeed. You’d say hello and he’d immediately start making disparaging remarks about your clothes. He wouldn’t even direct them at you, he’d turn to whoever he was with, probably his bodyguard, and say something like, “Look at those sneakers. Makes me want to call Curtis and apologize.” His bodyguard would laugh and you’d be standing there thinking, I don’t know what that means, I hope they aren’t making fun of me. But they would be making fun of you, stupid.
2. President Obama
Barack Obama went to Columbia, then Harvard Law; served as the president of The Harvard Law Review, worked as a community organizer and taught Constitutional law before going into politics and becoming the fucking President of the United States, where he now has more to worry about in a single day than you have in any given month. What the fuck are you going to say to Obama that he’s going to give a shit about? I know, you’re thinking, maybe we could talk about basketball. Obama doesn’t want to talk about basketball with you. That’s time he could be spending with his family. Try talking to him about current events, see how that goes. He’d mention some Washington Post article about ISIS and you’d tell him you read the headline but the article seemed kind of long. You’d bum Obama out so bad, he’d leave meeting you and be like, “If that guy represents the average American, I’ve wasted my life. Someone get the jet ready, I’m taking some time off. I have to reconsider some shit.”
3. Marc Maron
You’d come on overly familiar, because you listen to the podcast and you feel like you already know him. He’d feel like you were invading his space but he’d try to be nice, all the while resenting you for putting him in that situation. Or else you wouldn’t know who he was, and he’d get bummed out about how far he’s come in his career to still fall short of being a household name, and that disappointment would redirect as anger at you. Either way he’d tweet about it, and then he’d get trolled and once again it’s all your fault.
4. Bill Cosby
If you met Bill Cosby he’d immediately start lecturing you about how much of your day you spend engaged in social media, and if you tried to defend yourself in any way he’d shake his head and start in on how people used to have respect for their elders.
5. Jennifer Connelly
She’s a radiant beauty, and a working actress since 1984, which means she hasn’t had a conversation that didn’t have predatory undertones (at least) in thirty years. But okay, somehow you convince her to talk to you, what are you going to talk about? You’re going to bring up Labyrinth? Guess what numb nuts, she doesn’t want to talk about Labyrinth. She was like sixteen when she made that movie, how would you like it if a stranger came up to you and started gushing about shit you did as a teenager, as if you hadn’t done a fucking thing since? She won an Academy Award in 2002 and you’re going to ask her how they made it look like Hoggle was pissing in that pond. Jesus. Get it together. If you see Jennifer Connelly, just leave her alone.
6. Woody Allen
It doesn’t matter if you love Woody Allen or despise him, if you saw him in public and spoke to him he’d jump back and say to Soon-Yi, “Holy shit, this one can talk!”
7. Mark Wahlberg
Don’t take this one too personally, I don’t think Mark Wahlberg likes anyone. The best compliment his wife can expect is probably “You’re less shitty than normal today.” When he was younger he used to go around attacking people, put a dude’s eye out once, and if you’ve ever seen him give an interview it seems like the only reason he stopped is that he’s too recognizable to get away with it now. Maybe that’s unfair. Lots of people chill out once they have millions of dollars, right?
8. Gwyneth Paltrow
She’d be really, really nice at first. She’d probably call you ‘honey’ a lot and insist on giving you some book she just read that she really loved, don’t even bother returning it just promise you’ll read it and call her to talk about it when you’re finished. Then she’d ask if you wanted something to drink and you’d ask for a soda and she’d start gagging and run away, and once she was gone her staff would come drag you off. They’d burn the book and the chair you’d been sitting in, and bring in a shaman with some sage to purify the room.
9. Peter Dinklage
That’s not Peter Dinklage, dude. Why would Peter Dinklage be hanging out at a Wendy’s in Richmond, Virginia? That’s just a dwarf with a deep voice, I’m telling you. Man, don’t go over there. This is so embarrassing. If you go over there I’m leaving and you can walk home, how about that?
10. Dave Eggers
Dave Eggers doesn’t have time for your shit. Who the hell do you think you are?