Hot Takes on Last Week’s News
Scottish Independence
Hey, Americans who seem either super deflated or relieved about the results of the vote—you guys are fucking weird. Access to social media doesn’t mean you have to develop deep convictions about every single thing that happens in the world. It’s going to be okay, I promise.
Apple gave everyone a free U2 album
Look, I got no time for U2 either, but stop talking like this album popping up in your iTunes is the same as having a dick waggled in your face. You don’t want it, delete it. And to everyone using this as an example of how Apple products are invasive or out of your control and how ‘If you’re not paying for a service, you’re it’s product,’ you’re boring, guys. Boring. And it’s okay to be boring. I’m not knocking being boring. But you need to accept that tweeting a slugline you heard on NPR doesn’t make you Malcom Gladwell, okay?
Leonard Cohen is 80
But he’s still droning on about pussy over the beats that came pre-recorded on his Casio keyboard with the intensity of a slightly younger man.
Various NFL Scandals
Guys, I’m starting to wonder if maybe super aggro dudes who mash each other to bits for a living aren’t the best role models. No, is it really news to anyone that there’s a large correlation between being into football and being a vicious dickhead? Did y’all not go to high school? Or were you like, getting teased in ninth grade thinking, I wish these jocks were rich beyond belief, then maybe they’d chill out and accept me for who I am…
This editorial I read decrying ‘Career Politicians’ that I can’t find now
I know the term ‘Career Politician’ is used with a specific connotation, but personally I kind of like knowing that the people representing my interests aren’t weekend warriors. American’s are so in love with the idea of a passionate amateur schooling the professional people but you know if someone showed up at their job–and it doesn’t matter if they worked at like Starbucks or NASA–and made a suggestion they’d hop right on Facebook and whine about people trying to tell me my business grumble grumble grumble. People spooked by ‘career politicians’ seem really taken with that Mr. Smith Goes to Washington fantasy of American politics, but if that movie was real life, evil Senator Joe Paine would have let Jimmy Stewart drop fucking dead before he’d be driven to affirm his innocence and later would have gloated about the whole thing on Meet The Press.
Ebola
The second most exciting comeback of the year, right behind Matthew McConaughey in True Detective but slightly less bleak.
That Ken Burns documentary about The Roosevelts
Interesting, but I’m glad that shit is on now and will be out of everyone’s system by the time Christmas Party small-talk season kicks off.
iPhone 6
Call me crazy but I’m thinking this is the one I’ve been waiting my entire life for, the phone that’ll finally make me feel like complete human being with a defined purpose. I look at that big screen and I really can picture myself sitting in my awesome corner office at my dream job, viewing pictures of my beautiful wife and newborn baby daughter. I can almost see my wife’s face. I bet she’s going to be really smart but also very pretty…actually, maybe a little more pretty than smart, and people underestimate her all the time. But she doesn’t let that get her down, she uses it to her advantage. Yeah, I’m sitting in my office looking at her picture on the big, razor sharp screen of my iPhone 6 and suddenly my office door opens and my secretary walks in and she’s like, We need to talk, I’m pregnant, and I’m like, Why are you telling me? And she goes, Why do you think? And I look at my big, beautiful iPhone 6 and the picture of my wife on the screen and I’m like, What have I done? Why am I so weak? And a single tear slides down my cheek and strikes the screen and it wakes Siri up and she says, Tom, there are two abortion clinics near you now and I’m like Damn this phone is fucking awesome but I don’t know how I feel about that and Siri goes, Tom, would you like me to find some articles on the ethical implications of abortion? And I’m like, No, thanks though Siri and then my secretary turns and runs out of my office and I’m like, Where are you going? And she says, To throw my piece of shit Samsung Galaxy in the fucking garbage where it belongs.
The Tusk 
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