Drunk on truth to stupid baby power.

American Horror Story Recap: Murder Birthday

Is gifting yourself as a swaddled baby worse than regifting?

Is gifting yourself tackier than regifting, Ma Petite?

If Elsa were alive in 2006, her Myspace page tagline would read, “IT’S SCORPIO SEASON, BITCHES! [3 kiss-face emojis]” In episode 6 of AHS: Freak Show, Elsa’s Mars is in retrograde and her Venus is rising as everyone falls in love all over the place.

Elsa dusts off her spinning wheel of death for target practice, envisioning each campground resident strapped to it. Her birthday’s coming up, and while every cast member of Fräulein Elsa’s Cabinet of Curiosities stands in line with a tribute, the mood is weighed down with the absence of Dot and Bette. This infuriates Elsa, who denies knowing the whereabouts of that “ungrateful hydra.” She’s more chill later after some opium and a thorough rogering from Paul the Illustrated Seal. I always suspected him to be the workhorse-type. He slips away un-showered to pay a visit to Penny from episode 1. Despite the lockdown Penny’s been under by her dad since her time on Elsa’s campgrounds, they’ve fallen in love. [eggplant emoji]

Before the plague of couples selfies, people just stared at each other.

Before the plague of couples selfies, people just stared at each other.

The Motts have new help, but Dandy whines that he liked Dora better. (Dandy, you fuck.) In order to keep the Mott lineage inbred-focused, Gloria gives Dandy a silver platter of condoms to use with Dot and Bette. However, his intentions are much more sinister, as he declares his love for them and plans to marry them. As Dandy grows more unhinged, his mother implodes as though she were made of toothpicks. Bette and Dandy are quite taken with each other but Dot is disgusted and considers their new lavish situation “servitude.” In short, Dot has become a housecat. She only sees the Motts as a source of cash to fund the separation surgery of her dreams. Dandy is bothered by their diary-writing and makes up a game to share secrets, in which he lies and says he was the one who killed Twisty on Halloween night. Dot’s disgust is fully realized now that he’s insulted her boy Jimmy’s account of that night, and she refuses to play. Dandy goes full-on four-year-old on them and the afternoon is ruined. [baby face emoji]

So, which one of you is the man?

So which one of you is the man?

Paul suspects the twins are in the Motts’ possession after a chance encounter with Dandy, but when he tries to tell Jimmy, Jimmy doesn’t want to hear it. Jimmy is being less freak and more “freak ally” these days. Later, when Paul leans in to kiss Elsa goodnight, she smells Penny’s perfume on him and is incensed. He kicks out a monologue about her deceitful ways, which only escalates her wrath. In front of the rest of her “Curiosities,” she trashes their gifts and challenges them to prove their loyalty to her. Paul volunteers to be strapped into the spinning death wheel, and after a couple of suspenseful shots, Elsa pegs him in the gut with a knife. While everyone rushes to Paul’s aid, she offers to call a doctor as if it were ordering a pizza, swept up in the satisfaction of publicly humiliating someone who doesn’t love her. Only Ethel comes to Elsa’s Official Birthday Party the next day since everyone else would rather spend Paul’s remaining moments with him. Elsa explains how her parents always favored her older sister who was dead before Elsa was alive, an Oscar-winning moment in the category of Best Lead Sociopath. All she wishes for when she blows out the black candle on her birthday cake is to be loved. [prayer hands emoji]

This is the true story of 20 strangers picked to live in a tent.

Dandy reads Dot’s diary and is distraught by the revelation that she finds him boring. He explains to his mother that he is nothing but a dry Scorpions concert on the inside, and that his purpose in this world is to bring death, tucking a huge knife into the back of his trousers. Jimmy arrives on their doorstep in search of the twins. Knowing glances are exchanged. [demon mask emoji]

Due to the mysterious disappearance of their conjoined lottery ticket, Maggie suggests that she and Stanley drown tiny Ma Petite in formaldehyde and sell her in a jar to the American Morbidity Museum. If she were the psychic she’s pretending to be she would know there is no future in her frontin’. (Sorry.) She bails on her own murder plot, and when Stanley demands her help in cutting off Jimmy’s dick-hands, she hatches a secret plan to run away to Pensacola with the boy that night. They kiss on the lips. [ambivalent face emoji]

Here’s hoping the twins are safely returned to whomever is most entitled to murder them, and that Elsa will wake from her opium-induced delirium and stop destroying the people who love her! [unconditional love for a TV show emoji]

Source: doritoslocostacosupreme.tumblr.com/

Source: doritoslocostacosupreme.tumblr.com


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