Drunk on truth to stupid baby power.

Why I Swiped Left: Judging the Million Fishes In the Tinder Sea


Boys and dead sea creatures, all found in 10 minutes on Tinder. Lizzy Acker/The Tusk

Tinder is a magical place, an app that is a game based on everyone’s most favorite activity: making snap judgements about strangers with almost no real-world consequences except potentially TRUE LOVE. But: how are you going to figure out which person is your true love, just from a set of pictures? How do you know when to give someone a hard no? After about two weeks on the app, I consider myself a complete expert. True, I haven’t found a true love but I have found a lot of NOT true loves. Here are actual thoughts, straight from my brain, that I thought as I swiped left (picked no) on a variety of dudes.

  • You don’t have enough pictures of yourself holding fish.
  • You only have pictures of yourself holding fish.
  • You aren’t wearing a hat.
  • You ARE wearing a hat but it’s not a Giants or Blazers hat.
  • You’re a girl.
  • Your kids are ugly.
  • Your wife is ugly.
  • You say you’re a communist AND an anarchist. Those are opposite things.
  • That’s not a person! That’s a dog!
  • Bro, you’re in high school.
  • You say you’re 30 but those wrinkles in your forehead, the jowls, the leather coat and the motorcycle are telling me a different story.
  • You’re wearing that puka shell necklace like a boss.
  • You’re smoking weed in every picture.
  • Wait, are you smoking CRACK in every picture?
  • Your abs are only like a four pack.
  • You’re dead. That’s literally a cadaver. I’m calling the police.
  • You aren’t holding enough assault rifles.
  • I think you’re getting married in this picture.
  • Seriously, I just wish you were holding more dead fish.
  • How do I know FOR SURE you caught all those fish?
  • I feel like there’s a pretty good chance the guide on your boat at least got a couple of those on the line for you.
  • You know what, fuck this. I’m just going to go stand by a river.


3 Responses to “Why I Swiped Left: Judging the Million Fishes In the Tinder Sea”

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