Drunk on truth to stupid baby power.

The Top 10 Most Pretentious Lines from Pitchfork’s Top 100 Tracks of the Year List


By Tynan DeLong

10. “‘Pendulum’ is an ice cube of a song: The longer it sits out, the more fragile it seems.” (“Honey, don’t leave the ice cubes out, they’re gonna get fragile!”)

9. “Were this year’s ‘Migos > Beatles’ memes necessary, or ironic? It can get confusing, and sometimes disillusioning.” (THANK YOU!)

8. “It’s a canny reflection on our digital lives, rendered with a physicality that pulls it back into our own mainframe.” (Yeah, totally.)

7. “Besides, Copeland’s deadpan vocals and the track’s digitized porch-rocker creak don’t exactly scream ‘meatspace’” (That’s what I was also thinking.)

6. “Meanwhile, the interstellar throb of a beat never breaks its orbit, instead finding a home in the stratosphere between heaven and Earth.” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LehNm4VVqJI)

5. “Most stunning of all is a guitar figure that scribbles its own story of indefinite lust across the night sky.” (This was about a Taylor Swift song.)

4. “Swift dredges up iconic imagery of the American ’50s as a way of framing an on-again, off-again relationship so intense that its essence feels infinite.” (This about the same Taylor Swift song.)

3. “Lykke Li’s ‘Gunshot’ is too cathartic to be a sad song and too sad to be a cathartic song.” (???)

2. “The chorus, which transforms the verses’ funk-by-Mondrian into something more cathedral-shaped, addresses this via a mini-thinkpiece on selfiehood, contrasting everyday acts shot to be witnessed with the need for (private) confession.” (Yep, that’s St. Vincent for ya!)

1. “Her plain-spoken flexes read like an especially misandrist selection from Grapefruit, Yoko Ono’s book of avant-garde instructionals.” (This was about Nicki Minaj’s song “Boss Ass Bitch.”)

If you want, you can read “The 100 Best Tracks of 2014” here.

Tynan DeLong is a writer and meat bootlegger based in Brooklyn. He recently starred as “Halp” in the hit ABC Family show Jumanji & Me. He resides in an abandoned lighthouse in Bushwick with his two kids, Peabo and Namaste. He is divorced. Twitter: @dennistmiller.


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