Drunk on truth to stupid baby power.

The Top 10 Most Pretentious Lines from Pitchfork’s Top 100 Tracks of the Year List

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By Tynan DeLong

10. “‘Pendulum’ is an ice cube of a song: The longer it sits out, the more fragile it seems.” (“Honey, don’t leave the ice cubes out, they’re gonna get fragile!”)

9. “Were this year’s ‘Migos > Beatles’ memes necessary, or ironic? It can get confusing, and sometimes disillusioning.” (THANK YOU!)

8. “It’s a canny reflection on our digital lives, rendered with a physicality that pulls it back into our own mainframe.” (Yeah, totally.)

7. “Besides, Copeland’s deadpan vocals and the track’s digitized porch-rocker creak don’t exactly scream ‘meatspace’” (That’s what I was also thinking.)

6. “Meanwhile, the interstellar throb of a beat never breaks its orbit, instead finding a home in the stratosphere between heaven and Earth.” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LehNm4VVqJI)

5. “Most stunning of all is a guitar figure that scribbles its own story of indefinite lust across the night sky.” (This was about a Taylor Swift song.)

4. “Swift dredges up iconic imagery of the American ’50s as a way of framing an on-again, off-again relationship so intense that its essence feels infinite.” (This about the same Taylor Swift song.)

3. “Lykke Li’s ‘Gunshot’ is too cathartic to be a sad song and too sad to be a cathartic song.” (???)

2. “The chorus, which transforms the verses’ funk-by-Mondrian into something more cathedral-shaped, addresses this via a mini-thinkpiece on selfiehood, contrasting everyday acts shot to be witnessed with the need for (private) confession.” (Yep, that’s St. Vincent for ya!)

1. “Her plain-spoken flexes read like an especially misandrist selection from Grapefruit, Yoko Ono’s book of avant-garde instructionals.” (This was about Nicki Minaj’s song “Boss Ass Bitch.”)

If you want, you can read “The 100 Best Tracks of 2014” here.

Tynan DeLong is a writer and meat bootlegger based in Brooklyn. He recently starred as “Halp” in the hit ABC Family show Jumanji & Me. He resides in an abandoned lighthouse in Bushwick with his two kids, Peabo and Namaste. He is divorced. Twitter: @dennistmiller.

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