Drunk on truth to stupid baby power.

Harry Styles: The Imagined Interview

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Recently, I was granted the opportunity to conduct an exclusive one-on-one imaginary conversation with pop sensation Harry Styles of One Direction. The following is excerpted from the transcript of that interview.

On his recent appearance on Saturday Night Live:

Me: I thought it was interesting that when you guys were on Saturday Night Live a couple weeks ago, you were dressed a little like Neil Young.

Imaginary Harry Styles: Ah yeah. Was sharp, right?

Me: It was unexpected.

Imaginary Harry Styles: Because like, I’m the King of the Young, right? So like, they see me, it’s like, kneel, young. Kneel to your king, young.

Me: You really see yourself as a king to young people?

Imaginary Harry Styles: It’s how they seeing me matters most, right? Plus, I’ve got real passion for wordplay. Puns and such. Sometimes, here’s a joke I love, I’ll try to pay for soda at shops with slice of rye, and when the clerk balks I say, “Money is bread, right? Don’t you know slang?”

Me: How do the shopkeepers react?

Imaginary Harry Styles: Total honesty, that’s more future plan than past endeavor. But soon, one day soon I do it for real.

Me: You could flip it, serve someone a sandwich that’s, like, two twenty-dollar bills with meat stacked between.

Imaginary Harry Styles: Ah, brilliant! Because money is bread, right? Brilliant. Except, what about if who you serve it to take it too literal, they eat the thing and you out forty dollars.

Me: Well I don’t think—

Imaginary Harry Styles: You might do one-dollar bills instead. Yeah, that’s the way.

On dream collaborations:

Me: Is there anyone you’d absolutely love to work with?

Imaginary Harry Styles: Living or dead?

Me: Um, yeah, that might be interesting. Living or dead, sure.

Imaginary Harry Styles: Nasim Pedrad.

On dating and relationships:

Me: I’d imagine that dating must be difficult at your level of fame.

Imaginary Harry Styles: That’s what you imagine? Boy, I imagine much cooler stuff. Unicorns, like. Like if they were real. One time I imagined an airplane with a human face, you’d walk up the tongue into the mouth to get onboard. Sometimes I imagine if Wonder Woman was real, what I’d say to her if ever we met. Imagination can take you anywhere, you know? You should flex your mind some, man.

Me: Fair enough. I guess I was trying to segue into a question about your high-profile relationship and break-up with Taylor Swift.

Imaginary Harry Styles: Taylor, right. Here, okay, I’ll tell you the truth about Taylor. Here’s the key to a woman like her—she’s a real human woman. All day, all night. Human from her toenails up. You understand what I’m saying?

Me: Not really.

Imaginary Harry Styles: I think I’m putting it out pretty plain, so.

Me: Really? Because that seemed like a super vague answer, actually.

Imaginary Harry Styles: But, like, in the vagaries the real truth lie, like they say.

Me: I’m not sure I know that expression.

Imaginary Harry Styles: That’s because I’m the one who coined it and I’ve never shared the expression with anyone before, ever.

Me: Hey, an exclusive. Thanks.

Imaginary Harry Styles: No problem, mate. Here’s another one, ‘the old gray goat gets the oats.’

Me: What’s that mean?

Imaginary Harry Styles: Hey, I just coin the things, mate. Use as you see fit.

Me: You mentioned imagining what you’d say to Wonder Woman if you met; I wonder what you imagine saying to her.

Imaginary Harry Styles: Yeah, I’d say, “Is you Wonder Woman?” and she’d say back, “Yes,” and I’d say back again, “You not a real girl, you a fiction,” and she’d like, melt back onto the page, right? Fiction and fact not meant to mingle. Stuff of terrors, that.

On if he’s ever considered changing his name to Nathan:

Me: Have you ever considered changing your name to Nathan?

Imaginary Harry Styles: (Thirty second pause) Nope.

On a specific scene from towards the end of The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies:

Me: Towards the end of the movie, when Tauriel is upset and mourning, she asks that other dude why losing this love hurts so much and he says to her, because it was real, and she seems to take comfort in that. Do you buy that at all?

Imaginary Harry Styles: Honest answer, and not to slag anyone, but not a bit, mate. Not a bit.

Me: Yeah, me neither. Like she’s supposed to think then, Oh good, this was the real thing, like the real kind of love people wait forever for that I just lost. Awesome. He’s dead and gone forever but at least we could have been happy, you know?

Imaginary Harry Styles: Yeah, yeah. Devils advocate, though, what else could he say?

Me: I guess he could have just said, like, sorry for your loss.

Imaginary Harry Styles: Well, not if he wasn’t.

On questions he hasn’t been asked before:

Me: Is there a question you’ve always wanted someone to ask but haven’t been asked yet?

Imaginary Harry Styles: Ah, yeah. Yeah, loads.

On what comes next:

Me: You’ve already accomplished so much at such a young age, I wonder—what’s next?

Imaginary Harry Styles: Hm. Well, you know what I always wanted to try? Take slice of rye into a shop and use it to pay for soda. Like, because bread is a slang word for money, right?

Me: Yeah, you mentioned that before.

Imaginary Harry Styles: Oh yeah, yeah.

Me: There must be something else you want to accomplish. Maybe a solo album?

Imaginary Harry Styles: You know, I always have this idea to make a Han Solo album, actually.

Me: Han Solo album?

Imaginary Harry Styles: Yeah, right, a record of like, what be the sings Han Solo sing up in space and all, right?

Me: So like songs about Chewbacca?

Imaginary Harry Styles: Nah, man. Nah. Be serious, now—how many mates you know sing about they best friend? Bit weird, right? Man sing about woman, not business partner. Be serious, mate.

Me: So what do you think Han Solo would sing about, then?

Imaginary Harry Styles: He got one, goes: “Parsecs, parsecs/baby I’m measuring time/parsecs, parsecs/baby ‘till you are mine.”

Me: You know, that’s an error in the screenplay, when Han says he made the Kessel run in twelve parsecs. Parsecs measure space, not time.

Imaginary Harry Styles: Congratulations on owning a dictionary. Tell me, you keep it stacked next to you gold records?

Me: I don’t have any gold records.

Imaginary Harry Styles: That’s funny. You ever need borrow some, I send some of mine over. Got loads.

Me: Point taken.

Imaginary Harry Styles: And why do you assume, right, maybe what Han meant, like, he found a shortcut. Usually takes fifteen parsecs, take Han’s shortcut, left at this asteroid, whatever, takes twelve.

Me: But in the lyrics you just shared with me—

Imaginary Harry Styles: Okay, you assume again. Sing goes “parsecs,” then that he’s measuring time, but he not ever say he use the parsecs to do so. That’s you, like, making that connection in you mind. That’s good, though. That’s what I want and strive for. Artists, you know—and I am one—artists make people, what, create they own connections. All my sings, that they goal. One Thing, that sing, you know—you listen and you have to ask, like, what is the one thing? What is the one thing I complimenting? You decide yourself, right? Whatever you want it to be, it be. That’s art, mate.

Me: I notice that you tend to refer to ‘songs’ as ‘sings.’

Imaginary Harry Styles: Yeah, you like that?

Me: I guess it seems a little like an affectation.

Imaginary Harry Styles: Right, and see—you had to think that you didn’t like it. Making people think, right? Got to make blokes thoughtful. If you’re no thinking, I not doing me job.

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