The One Who Can’t Communicate
This is most men. This is why you spent literally all of college watching guys play Call of Duty on the off-chance that one of them might fall into your vagina by accident. This is why you and your high school best friend somehow wound up with the same date for prom. This man may well have literally been raised by wolves or in a barn because he has absolutely no idea how human relationships are supposed to work, and even if he does, the task of turning his thoughts and feelings into words is just beyond him.
One of the things this man may fail to communicate is that he has a very tiny penis that is a complete waste of your time and considerable sexual mastery. If this is the case, he will later decide that he is very GOOD at communication and send you a lot of emails asking if you can help him and his wife find an orgy to attend and also attaching unsolicited photos of him and his wife having bathroom sex. Under no circumstances should you engage, lest you send an unwitting indication that you ever want his squirmy little member anywhere near your ladybits or that you would be interested in some sort of tiny dicked threesome.
Another variation on this type is the man who doesn’t speak your language well, which seems charming at first, but then becomes more difficult when you need to make sure he understands basic requests, like “No, I am not going to fuck you in this CVS parking lot,” or “Can you please slow down for a second? I’m a virgin.” There’s nothing wrong with fucking someone when a language barrier is involved, just be prepared for things to get extra weird.
The One Who Is a Terrible Person
Also known as “The Most Dangerous Game,” this man is lots of fun until he’s not. Fucking this man is a really great way to get back at your dad for existing, especially if you know you have a dad who will fucking kill anyone who mistreats you. As long as the Terrible Person doesn’t kill you first, this is a win-win situation, and, weirdly, can work to repair your broken relationship with your emotionally distant father.
Sex with this person is very tricky. There will be several occasions upon which you will wonder if you actually agreed to that anal sex, but after realizing that you are crazy (because he has told you emphatically that you are crazy), you won’t say anything to him about a little advance warning or lubrication next time. He will try to impregnate you, just because he can, and then get mad at you when you make it very clear that you are aborting whatever misbegotten sociopathic fetus he happens to deposit in your uterus. The phrase “killing my baby” will be unironically bandied about, but he will not take you seriously when you tell him you need to use a condom because you are ovulating. He will also be really, really into choking you, to the point that you will definitely think “Oh my god, this is how I’m going to die” during coitus. Unfortunately, this leads to really excellent, long-lasting orgasms that later cloud your judgment about finally dumping him for good.
It will take 3 to 5 tries to dump a Terrible Person. You’ve made the mistake of letting him into your home, and you can’t afford to move because you spent your savings on a white conversion van so he’ll have someplace to live that isn’t your bed. Even if you change your phone number, he’ll use other people’s phones, Gchat accounts, or Facebook profiles to track you down. You will spend approximately 2 years thinking you see him everywhere you go, so it’s probably a good idea to have health insurance so you can go on the appropriate antianxiety medication for this period of time. Occasionally, the Terrible Person will find and then rape/kill you, and in these situations you can expect little to no assistance from law enforcement, so the Terrible Person is best avoided.
Note: The Terrible Person often masks himself as one of the other types of men you find in your vagina, so don’t beat yourself up for not recognizing him until it was too late. He’ll beat you up enough for the both of you.
The One Who Thinks He’s Smarter Than You
This man’s perception of his own intelligence has little to no basis in reality. In all likelihood, he was overpraised in his youth and his belief that he is a really special, unique human being has never been challenged. Smart guys tend to be the nattiest dressers, although they often go overboard and introduce fedoras, inappropriate sport jackets, and weird facial hair into the mix. This is because they were all obsessed with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy even though gay men scare them in real life. Whether they have a hat or not, they will tip it and call you “milady, miss, or madame,” ostensibly to demonstrate how chivalrous and respectful of women they are, but in reality, they never want you to forget that as a female, you are fundamentally worth less than they are.
There is absolutely no reasoning with this man. Any experience you have lived, any book you have read, any fact that you know, he will one-up you. Anything you enjoy, he will claim to be an expert on. Usually very adamant about his spirituality or lack thereof, this person thinks he is very wise and dispenses a lot of faux-sage aphorisms like “Just do you, dude,” “The Friend Zone is real,” or “There’s no such thing as pre-cum.”
The Smarter Than You Guy might have a job, but more likely gets fired about one week into his entry-level retail gig because he just can’t be expected to show up on time, because he is an artist, man. Most guys who think they are smarter than you are artists (comedians, musicians, filmmakers, etc), and their pseudointelligent façade is just a defense mechanism developed in response to the fact that becoming an artist in a capitalist society is literally the dumbest thing anyone can do. If he manages to hang on to a job, it’s probably in food service and he probably sells weed to the other employees, but don’t worry, he’s still got time to tell you that your MBA is a waste of time that’s not going to get you anywhere and talk incessantly about his “novel” and plans to move to Scotland for 6 months.
The One Who Is Uglier Than You And Dumps You Anyway
You started dating this Ugly person because you didn’t have anything else going on and he called you beautiful, and since you are a woman, you have a lot of very complex feelings about your appearance and when a man calls you beautiful, it’s pretty much a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s Boink Factory, which is what you call your vagina because you are trying really hard to cultivate a sense of humor to mask your fear of never truly being loved.
Luckily, the Ugly person has a similar issue, and is generally a pretty good egg. He makes light of his club foot and answers your questions about it and agrees that yes, it’s a pretty weird thing to have to deal with on a daily basis. He has a very difficult time separating himself from his male friends because in the years before he tricked you into having sex with him, they are the ones who have propped up his self-worth, assuring him that his eye-patch is not off-putting or that his weird birthmark totally does not look like a penis, and he shouldn’t worry about women shooting him down because fuck bitches, man.
He will dump you over the phone with no provocation or warning because he wants to go to Diamonds, the strip club across town, with his best friend like they did in the old days, as if the act of dating you and paying money to look at topless women are mutually exclusive. Doesn’t he know how low your self-esteem is? He could do both!
On the plus side, this man usually comes crawling back for one last hookup after a Halloween or Guy Fawkes day party, but then he never calls again, giving you the gift of never having to look at his ugly pig face, club foot, or wobbling obesity gut ever again.
The One Who Is Less Bad Than All the Others
The best thing about this man is that he probably has a good job or at least rich parents so you don’t have to spend your own money on him, or at least not very much of it. He’s nice to you most of the time and it would never even occur to him to hit you, so that’s a plus. He is probably a fan of at least two sports teams, so you can pretty much forget about using the television because he says there’s no point to watching sports if they aren’t live. He’s never learned to cook or clean, but he gets mad at you when you try to help him out in either area, saying “At least I tried, doesn’t that count for something?” It does not.
He knows how to behave in front of your family, and he doesn’t hold your hatred of his mother against you, because he agrees that she’s kind of a bitch who never taught him to clean a bathroom properly. He never embarrasses you in public, and given a highly detailed grocery list, he will successfully purchase most of the items, although you will probably end up with several graham cracker crusts that you will never use.
You share a lot of interests and he is generally receptive to watching/reading/listening to things you really like, even just out of politeness. This is probably because he was a Boy Scout for long enough to learn social skills, but left before they taught him to hate gay people. The sex is good and when it’s not, you just laugh about it. You fart in front of each other, and he doesn’t make you so nervous that you can’t eat in front of him. You feel like if you gave him your social security number, he wouldn’t use it to destroy you.
Despite these bleak prospects, if dick is what you crave, you will try, time and again, to engage in relationships with men. You will hope that eventually, you’ll have experienced every method of torture they can throw at you, and next time, it won’t hurt anymore. It won’t work. Thanks a lot, John Updike.