1. Matthew Perry
You think of Matthew Perry and Chandler Bing comes to mind, this awkward goofball, but he was on Letterman the other night promoting his Odd Couple remake and all I could think was, Here is a man with no regard for human life. Absolutely charmless, all his anecdotes were about his wealth and fame. The guy’s been too rich for too long, and he’s the kind of rich where he gets to make decisions about who he’s willing to make eye contact with. On top of which, isn’t his drive to launch another successful sitcom kind of disturbing? Every couple of years some new Matthew Perry show flops out the gate. He acts like some young, hungry dude anxious to make his mark but he’s not, he’s an aging millionaire, and I bet the deal there is that it kills him that all his success came as part of a celebrated ensemble. He never made it on his own, he’s never been a viable leading man. Somewhere in Matthew Perry’s house there’s a safe filled with pamphlets about the superiority of the individual and how rich people got where they are by divine right. Matthew Perry would put a bullet in you and then make a crack about how, at the rate the mongrel poor breed, he’s providing a public service by eliminating one more competitor for the available resources. That’s kind of complicated to be considered a “crack” but if he were better at making cracks he’d have stumbled into another successful show by now.
2. David Schwimmer
Schwimmer’s kind of the opposite of Perry, in that he basically vanished off the face of the earth in 2004 when Friends ended, and not to contradict everything I just said about Matthew Perry, but that’s kind of creepy, isn’t it? Where did he go? What’s he hiding? Could it be a lust for blood? He’d hunt you for sport and probably whine the whole time—and look, I might be conflating the man with his most famous character, who was whiny as hell, but imagine this: Schwimmer takes a shot at you with a high-powered rifle and instead of taking your head off, wings your shoulder and then starts braying, “The scope is all messed up. I paid a lot of money for this thing because the guy at the store said it would make headshots easier but I think he ripped me off. Now I’ll never get a headshot.”
3. Lana and Andy Wachowski
I saw Jupiter Ascending last week and that is not the work of people capable of feeling empathy. You couldn’t write and direct that movie and have it turn out the way it did if you cared at all about your fellow man, the way they think and act, or what they might see as a good investment of their time and money. There’s a part in the movie where this kind of rat creature says to Channing Tatum, who plays a Wolfman—well, actually Tatum talks shit to the rat guy and the rat guys says, “You wound me, sir,” and Tatum spits back, “If I was trying to wound you, you wouldn’t be breathing.” First of all, wounding someone to the point they’re not breathing is called murder. Does Tatum not know about murder? Second, that line kind of encapsulates the whole movie—it seems like something if you’re not paying attention but if you think about it for two seconds, it’s nonsense. Also, and finally, it’s amazing that Lana Wachowski transitioned and still seems to view women as either dumb as fuck or conniving shallow bitches.
I did like Cloud Atlas.
4. Gwyneth Paltrow
The only reason Paltrow hasn’t already hunted a human being for sport (I’m assuming she hasn’t) is that some yogi has yet to suggest to her that there’s an enzyme created by the human brain when it’s experiencing terror that’s good for vaginal rejuvenation, but only if it’s freshly harvested. She wouldn’t just hunt some random person, either—she’d kidnap some motherfuckers and keep them in a pen so she could control their diet and everything first. First she kidnaps you and pumps you full of antioxidants, then she hunts and kills you and uses your brain to restore her vaginal elasticity. Actually, if you’re a Coldplay fan that might appeal to you, on the off-chance that she and Chris Martin get back together, and he might one day derive increased sexual gratification from penetrating an orifice treated with your grey matter—because if you like Coldplay, you’re already a dickhead.
5. Bill Belichick
I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to suggest that coach Belichick’s steely determination to win at any cost might drive him to hunt and butcher some hapless sucker in order to further his understanding of the limits of the human body, but I want to go back to what I said about Gwyneth real quick—that was mean, and it’s inappropriate to suggest that she might be so driven to rejuvenate her vagina that she’d kidnap / murder / carve the brain out of someone to do so. I don’t know where that came from and I apologize. It’s basically never cool to speculate about a person’s vagina, at least not publicly. And that last part, that “dickhead” line, barely makes sense, which I really have to come clean on since right before that I gave the Wachowskis a hard time about the nonsense in their movie. I don’t know what’s gotten into me today. I’ve been listening to Slayer a lot. I’m not blaming Slayer. Anyway, Belichick’s got eyes like a shark so if he invites you on a trip to the desert maybe don’t take him up on it.
6. Ilana Glazer
Ilana Glazer is beautiful and hilarious and I’ll be honest, gang, I don’t think she’d be at all likely to hunt a human being for sport. I think she’s so incredibly unlikely to do so that having her on this list—and hopefully, at my editor’s discretion, a picture of her at the top of this article—will grab your attention. Get ya clickin’. That’s all I care about, those precious clicks. I sat down this morning and thought, What’s a title people would click on? And then I thought, How about 10 Celebrities Most Likely to Hunt Humans for Sport? People love hearing bad things about celebrities, right? And then I got to 6 and it was taking a while so I thought, how about 7 instead of 10? It’d be nice if I had something I was really passionate about to share with you all instead, but not today, I’m afraid. In a bit of a weird mood, not sure why. You ever get in a mood where you feel like you’re right on the verge of savagery? It starts in the gums, like they’re pulling back from your teeth, and then spreads down the muscles in your back and across your shoulders and everything bunches up and you feel like you need to punch something or hump something or else you’ll start screaming at strangers. I feel like smashing this computer to bits right now, for example.
I won’t, though, it was expensive and I lost the Applecare paperwork.
It’s a craving, is what it is. But a craving for what? At least if I were a heroin addict or a drunk I’d know exactly what to dump into the black hole at my core, but I’m not, so I’m hoping clicks’ll fill me up. Clicks’ll make me feel whole. Loved.
There’s a peak behind the curtain that you probably didn’t see coming. I’ll try to make the next name on the list really, really good. Not someone too obvious, not someone too obviously ridiculous…
7. Laurie Kilmartin
That’s a swerve, right? Laurie Kilmartin? From Last Comic Standing? She’s pretty funny but does she even count as a celebrity? I’ll be honest, I was thinking of someone else. I was thinking of Lori Loughlin, from Full House. I tried guessing her name and guessed Laurie Kilmartin, looked it up and decided to run with the mistake. But okay, does Laurie Kilmartin seem like she’d hunt a human being for sport? Well, I’ve never heard her clearly state she wouldn’t. I bet she has kids, too, and what if she was put in a situation where she had to hunt and kill a person or else something would happen to her kids… like if she was told her kids would never get into any college if she didn’t stalk an Uber driver and murder him with a crossbow, I bet she’d do it. Good for her. More parents need to take that kind of active interest in their kid’s education. I don’t know what kind of maniac would come up with a scenario like that, or have the power to prevent her kids from getting into any college ever. Maybe it’s a power-mad member of the local school board. Okay, it’s this guy who works on the school board, and his lover is cheating on him, and he wants revenge so he tells Laurie Kilmartin that he’ll screw with her kids’ permanent records if she doesn’t do his bidding. That could be a movie, right? Probably need a bigger star than Laurie Kilmartin, though. Melissa McCarthy might be good. If Melissa McCarthy isn’t available, we can switch the gender and get Kevin James. I feel like it has to be someone fat, because there’s something really implausible about the premise, let’s face it, but audiences will usually believe a fat actor in a ridiculous situation because audience’s generally can’t imagine fat people have any self-esteem or that there’s anything they won’t do for acceptance and love. If anyone reading this is interested in the movie rights, hit me up. I want 70 grand and to play the power mad school board member. Then I won’t have to worry about collecting clicks because I’ll be a famous celebrity. Certainly that will fill the void, set my mind at ease. Once I’m famous people will go online and say terrible shit about me, like I have no respect for human life, in order to garner their own clicks, but that’s cool. Usually I avoid any sort of comeuppance but in this case I’ll happily make an exception.