At Home with the Corporate Service Website Writer
“Honey, I have to talk to you about something.”
“Everyone has a story. Tell us yours today!”
“Uh… Okay. I mean, do you have a minute? You seem preoccupied.”
“Lemme just take a look at my crystal ball here… Yep, I’ve got tons of time!”
“See, like that, for instance. First of all, a crystal ball is for looking into the future, not telling time. You have a watch, why don’t you just look at your watch and say yes? I’ll back up. Look, I’m proud you found a secure job where you fit in– especially given your life history. The brutal bullying you endured. Years of therapy. You’ve always had a way with words and a charm, and that’s what attracted me to you in the first place. And when you opened up about all that abuse, how teachers used to turn a blind eye because they hated you for constantly spouting catchphrases? Your vulnerability made me fall in love with you. But now that vulnerability– and virtually every aspect of normal conversation– is gone. I just, I can’t take any more of all these slick, canned responses. They’re, like, condescending and cloying at best, and sound sarcastic at worst.”
“…said no one ever! Ha! Epic comeback win.”
“And that’s another thing. This Internet meme stuff. Do you actually have everyone at work convinced that you wrote all of this stuff, stuff that a twelve-year-old probably made up on 4chan eight years ago? You should be ashamed of yourself! I’m sorry.”
“Uh-oh! It looks like some of the original features you’re looking for are missing, specifically self-awareness, social grace, and emotional sensitivity. Hang tight while our specially-trained team of ninjas and wizards prepares a response.”
“I want a divorce.”
“Breaking news! Wuxtry, wuxtry, read all about it! Local man dead inside! Forever alone! Zing! Kapow!”
The Tusk 
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