How to Survive a Shooting Rampage
Getting murdered by some idiot while trying to mind your own business was the hottest trend of 2015, and seems poised to continue making headlines as we slide into the new year. While the safest option is to always stay indoors, sometimes that just isn’t an option. Here then is a handy list of tips and tricks that should help you survive 2016 for as long as possible.
- Spend a few hours each day practicing at clenching all your internal organs into a tight ball to reduce the chances that bullets entering your torso will hit something vital.
- Try to be someone most people would feel weird murdering, like LeVar Burton or Kate Winslet.
- Pre-shoot yourself before leaving the house, so any gunmen will think they already got you and move on.
- Carry a variety of flags espousing various ideologies at all times, so if a shooting breaks out you can quickly show solidarity with the shooter.
- Remain calm and wait for one of those proud pro-gun civilians who are always foiling shooting rampages to save you.
- If you find yourself in a crowd where a shooting is likely to occur, consider shooting any suspicious characters yourself first.
- Get a job as an executive at a company that manufactures firearms, so if you find yourself at the scene of a shooting rampage it’ll feel less like a horrifying ordeal and more like a wonderful research and development opportunity.
- Immediately identify the most altruistic person in any given room and make sure to stand slightly behind them at all times.
- Make every effort to escape, and if you do manage to escape, don’t look back. Keep going. Even after you’re well away, keep going. Get on the highway. Head west. Don’t stop moving until you have to use the restroom, and then head into whatever is around, let’s say a Barnes and Noble. In the Barnes and Noble restroom, notice that there are two stalls—a filthy one, and one reserved for the handicapped. Use the handicapped stall. While relieving yourself, wonder if “handicapped stall” is actually the correct terminology. Should it be “special needs stall” instead? And doesn’t “handicapped stall” make it sound like the stall itself is handicapped? Take this strange reflection on the mundane as a sign that you’re going to be all right—you survived. You’ll never forget what happened earlier that day, but you survived.
- Try to keep in mind that while getting murdered by some idiot might suck, the second amendment does make a lot of people with limited critical thinking skills feel safer.
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