Have you watched the trailer for The Revenant?
- Yes, several times
- No, I want to go in fresh
- No, this lunatic keeping me prisoner in his basement doesn’t allow me Internet access—even after promising he’d give me an hour online each day if I let him take pictures of my teeth without fighting back.
Have you bought your ticket yet?
- I’ll buy it at the theater
- I bought my ticket weeks ago
- No, but I do have a chicken bone that I’ve been sharpening under my bedroll—that’s my ticket to freedom.
Have you read any reviews of The Revenant?
- Nope, I don’t want the reviews to influence my take on the film
- I’ve been clipping the reviews out and saving them in a scrapbook
- It’s too dark down here to read, and I’m too busy sharpening this chicken bone anyway.
Have you made plans to see The Revenant with a friend?
- I’ll probably see it with my wife.
- I’m planning to see it alone the morning it opens so I can really concentrate, and then I’ll go back with friends later in the week.
- I had this rat named Peabody who was a pretty good companion down here for a while, but a few days ago I slashed my hand open sharpening this chicken bone and Peabody couldn’t resist lapping at the blood that gushed out. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get past it. It’s hard to stay friends with someone you’ve seen relishing the taste of your blood.
Did you read this article about how Leonardo DiCaprio ate raw bison guts and almost froze to death making the movie?
- Yeah, and that kind of commitment is what makes Leo the greatest actor of his generation.
- I did see that, and while it’s an interesting story, I never like it when the making of a thing supersedes the thing itself.
- I keep hoping I’ll freeze to death but I never do.
Early word has it that Tom Hardy once again uses an almost unintelligible accent in The Revenant—do you find Hardy’s insistence on using strange voices frustrating?
- Yes, that kind of thing often takes me out of the movie.
- No, because Hardy’s greatest strengths as an actor are his charisma and physicality, and both of those are impossible to disguise.
- The other night there was a power outage, and I got to hear the beeping noise a truck makes when it backs up coming from outside before He got his generator running and turned the loop of Simon and Garfunkel’s The Sound of Silence that’s been playing twenty-four hours a day since I’ve been down here back on. Pretty cool.
Do you think DiCaprio will finally get his Oscar for The Revenant?
- He’s definitely due.
- It’s hard to say without having seen the movie yet.
- I had a dream the other night that the ceiling vanished and I could see the stars, but then the stars all swarmed together to form the shape of God’s face and he laughed and laughed and laughed at me.
If you were about to walk into the theater to watch The Revenant and a masked man jumped out and tried to force you into his van, would you stab that masked man with a sharpened chicken bone?
- What an odd question.
- I guess so?
- Gosh, I hadn’t thought of using this thing as a weapon, do you think that might work?