Drunk on truth to stupid baby power.

Sports Commentators Analyze An Interaction I Just Had

Super Bowl XXXVI - Pat Summerall & John Madden

“And we’re back with another Snickers Take-A-Break moment and, boy– what a game it’s been so far.”

“That’s right Jim, not only has Nate been walking around talking to people for an entire half hour, but his thoughts have been racing at speeds we haven’t seen since– I’ll go ahead and say it, since Prom. Now the celebrated ‘05 Nate managed to get out of that one alive, but the rest of tonight– well, that remains to be seen.”

“And a lot’s at stake here. Nate’s coming into this thinking, ‘I hardly know anyone here, I was invited on Facebook but not sure if Trevor just selected ‘All’ and therefore the invite was insincere…’ And I’ll tell ya, that’s a lot of pressure, Terry”

“I wanna take a moment to emphasize one particular interaction that I thought really highlighted both Nate’s strengths and his weaknesses on the field. Here we see Nate having a conversation with Anna Teller, who we’ve seen be inordinately polite to Nate in the past and whose career has something to do with publishing.”

“Terry, what’s goin’ through Nate’s head at this moment?”

“A lot. Now at this point in Nate’s history, he’s not in talks for anything romantic. He’s 100% in it for making professional contacts. So he’s thinkin’, ‘I gotta be clever and charming, but not in a way where it looks like I’m hitting on her.’ Now that’s a big handicap to overcome in the first place. Add into it the fact that he’s aware of all this, and thinking about it makes him think about– as you can see on the diagram here– the fact of himself thinking about it, rather than allowing himself to simply have a conversation, which is where his head needs to be at right now. So you see this spiral formation–”

“And already you can see him stumble, there’s a record four seconds of absolute silence– just abysmal, Terry. But he recovers, I mean, miraculously, with this Netflix joke he makes, as you can see here.”

“And I’m tellin’ ya, the timing is great, the joke is original but it’s accessible– a joke like this is why Nate was picked in the first place, Jim, and it’s why the guy is so much damn fun to watch.”

“A classic save, but then– and here’s where things get really hairy– Nate spills his cocktail right down the front of his shirt. Now his defense is strong here–”

“I’m gonna stop you right there, Jim, because the defense is exactly the problem. Now should he have tried to ignore the spill altogether? Of course not. But was it necessary for his voice to get all high and quavery and for him to shout out, ‘You guys see that?’ Or for him to then mime as though he was falling on his ass for some reason?”

“Now take a look at the smile he does right afterwards. He raises his eyebrows real high as if asking for pity and gives this just awful little apologetic half-smirk, I mean– this is a moment where he could have really pulled the whole thing off with confidence, or at least showed ironic detachment. But this is about as far away from that as you can get.”

“It’s a risky play, and I agree he didn’t execute it quite right, but I will say it got a laugh, and– what’s that? I’m being told the refs have made a decision on that play just now, let’s go to Tammy.”

“That’s right, Terry, I’ve just gotten word that the play has been ruled safe, on the grounds that, unlike 75% of Anna’s other interactions with men in New York City, it didn’t end with the man exposing his genitals to her. Right now she’s just relieved about that.”

“Thank you Tammy. This has been the Snickers Take-A-Break moment; Snickers: Take a Break.”

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