The Absence of Greatness: Five Stories I Didn’t Write
Recently I’ve been doing this thing where I tell Nate, my co-editor, about the really amazing post I will be writing, definitely tomorrow or at the very latest, the day after tomorrow. And then, for this or that reason, a new episode of Lindsay or an invitation to drink a drink, the piece doesn’t get written. Honestly, I’m not too bummed because upon further reflection, my ideas haven’t actually been that great. Maybe it’s this seemingly never-ending transition I’ve been in, moving from San Francisco to Portland, freelancing, “freelancing” and then getting a real job. Maybe I’ve finally killed all my brain cells by over-using the free cable that came with this apartment. Whatever the reason, lately, I haven’t been quite a genius. That said, some of my ideas did have an entertaining synopsis, followed by some really great rationalization for not writing them. So here, for no other reason than your enjoyment, is a partial list of stories I haven’t written in the past couple months:
“Improving My Self-Improvement Game”
Idea: This was around the time that whole “oil pulling” thing was so big on the internet. I read about it the requisite number of times and then tried it for like three days. I was basically unemployed at this point so I had a lot of free time for ridiculous shit. I also went to a bunch of hot yoga classes, including at least four legit Bikram classes, and sweated to an unhealthy point. And I was drinking a ton of kombucha.
Why I didn’t write it: I lost interest in the oil pulling almost immediately. I learned that Bikram is a criminal and I don’t like to look at myself nearly naked in a mirror. Also my skin became like truly, horrifyingly bad and I actually GAINED WEIGHT (maybe related to the rest of my time being on the couch, watching TV, eating croissants OR MAYBE NOT). Basically I didn’t self-improve myself at all.
“Hot Yoga Causes Acne and Probably Death Too”
Idea: Seriously, that hot yoga messed me up. Sort of a follow-up to a piece I never wrote.
Why I didn’t write it: It also could have been the prone-on-the-couch lifestyle that messed me up. Plus I don’t know science. Plus The Bachelor was on.
“Hashtag Regret”
Idea: In between the freelancing and the “freelancing,” I worked for three days at a “social media marketing firm” where I was asked, among other indignities, to write some copy that used “#cheaptattoos.” I learned a lot about myself in those three days, mainly that I have limits, I can stand up for myself and later, I can crack myself up over and over again with the same few lines: “Hashtag CHEAP TATTOOS? That’s like writing ‘hashtag hep c’ or ‘hashtag worst decision I ever made’ or ‘hashtag regret.'”
Why I didn’t write it: I mean, I probably still will. But you have to figure out how to be diplomatic with stuff like this, especially when I am so tempted to use their name, as it is one of the most ridiculous parts of the whole “company.” Better to let some time pass on this kind of thing.
“Stop Saying Broad City is ‘Workaholics for Girls'”
Idea: Broad City is the best TV show of the year. It’s dumb when Comedy Central or whoever says, “It’s just like Workaholics but for girls!” This isn’t a pink Nerf bow and arrow; it’s a fucking brilliant show by two awesome women. Like I said on Twitter, it’s like Girls if Girls wasn’t the worst.
Why I didn’t write it: Actually, I’m the worst. I got on the Broad City train too late and by the time I had this idea the season finale was airing. Maybe next year.
“Get Ready to Die of Smallpox”
Idea: I’m reading this book about smallpox at the turn of the century. I’m only about halfway through but I can’t stop thinking about how smallpox is going to get out of the lab and since we are all not vaccinated, well, all of us under like 60 anyway, we are dead fucking meat.
Why I didn’t write it: I should probably finish the book first. They may address my concerns. If they don’t, it’s probably better to spend my time getting my affairs in order anyway.
The Tusk 
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