A lot of people are sad that Jon Snow is dead. Or bored. I was both bored and sad after that stupid season finale. Anyway, a lot of bored and sad people are coming up with theories about what IS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN TO JON SNOW OH GOD IS HE DEAD? Here are some of mine.
1. The actor, What’s-His-Name-Haircut, is the new Batman. He’s not coming back.
2. The actor, Knows-Nothing, took a bit part on Downton Abbey as an homage to his dead fictional girlfriend. Contractually, he cannot appear in both shows at once which he didn’t realize until a month after he signed the contract.
3. The actor, Sad-But-Beautiful Eyes, is running as a Republican for president in 2016. He didn’t know that non-nationals can’t be president but now he’s going for it anyway.
4. The actor, Glorious-Mane, is actually an attractive potato. The New York Times was about to out him so he decided to step out of the limelight and focus on his potato self and healing.
5. The actor, Smelly-Cloak, is one of those hyper-liberal, really superior types and after this season “made him feel uncomfortable” and “wasn’t as good anymore,” he decided the only honorable thing to do was die in a crimson pool.
6. The actor, Dirty-Porcelain-Skin, is actually George RR Martin and he’s out of ideas and that final scene was actually totally real. He’s dead now. Sorry book fans.
7. The actor, Won’t-Age-Well, was jealous of all his fictional siblings/parents deaths and wanted one for his own so he filmed that final scene on his iPhone and the production team couldn’t think of a suitable ending so they were like, “fuck it, let’s use that.”
8. The actor, Always-On-The-Verge-Of-Tears, applied for that Mars mission and got in and they are leaving and sorry guys there some things more important than your stupid fantasy TV show and one of those things is the HUMAN RACE so cut him some goddamn slack okay?
9. Jon Snow isn’t even dead. He’s gonna be fine. Duh.