Banksy’s Dismaland – A Sneak Peek
by Ceri Bevan
Arch-provocateur and merry art prankster Banksy unveiled his latest project this week — Dismaland, a darkly satirical theme park that’s definitely not suitable for children, and where nothing is as it seems. As the park opens to great fanfare — but like, a weird, fucked up off-key fanfare — we snagged ourselves a couple of all-access passes to bring you the lowdown on what visitors can expect from this dark carnival.
- Cops in clown make-up
- A Starbucks, but instead of being called Starbucks, it’s called Starfucks. Menu items at Starfucks include “eating disorder”, “pill addiction”, and “selfie”
- Log flume that goes through sewage pipe
- Daycare for young children with walls of TVs all showing Big Bird plowing Ernie from behind. I mean, just absolutely going to town on the guy. The rug they’re doing it on is really dirty and gross too. Bert watches in the background, looking sad. Ernie looks sad. Big Bird also looks sad
- A 100% accurate and unchanged recreation of “It’s a Small World”
- Some graffiti probably
- Every letter S in the park has been replaced by a dollar sign
- Pirate$ of the Caribbean” ride has been re-tooled to be about internet pirates. Guests can plug their phones in to a special dock on the boat that allows them to choose their own music for the ride. At the end an animatronic Julian Assange turns from his computer to give your party a thumbs up, but is shot and killed by a SEAL team descending from the ceiling on ropes. Everyone on the SEAL team is Ronald McDonald. Also your phone has a virus now
- Chalkboard sign outside Dismaland proclaims park “has no wi-fi, try talking to each other like real people!!?”
- Vape shop
- Spooky distorted carnival music everywhere
- Turns out much-hyped “21st Century Freak Show” attraction is just a bunch of mirrors and a laugh track
- Some Hipster Disney Princess pictures that Banksy found on the Internet
- Laika’s Space Mountain — a 30 minute long “slow-coaster” in the dark recreates the feeling of floating through space with a dead dog
- Just like the real Disneyland, not even any booze to make this whole ordeal slightly tolerable
Ceri Bevan lives in Dublin, Ireland and is definitely not Banksy. He tweets @ceebels.
The Tusk 
One Response to “Banksy’s Dismaland – A Sneak Peek”
If guests are spotted taking pictures Banksy will emerge to seize the camera and use it to take pictures of THEM instead in order to make them question who was really on display. Prints of these photos will be available at the exit in order for you to take them and ponder the experience for the rest of your life.