The Dark Lord Sauron rules over this kingdom, Mordor, and he’s been in charge for ages and gets a bad rap because he’s not a very nice guy, but since when is it important for a leader to be nice? And look, I happen to be a very nice guy. I have some very nice guys working for me, but when I’m hiring someone to run a multi-million dollar resort I don’t care if they’re nice, I care that they’re smart. And it seems to me like Sauron was a smart guy, very organized. Middle Earth was broken and then Sauron came along and he was the right guy for the moment. I think he’s fantastic.
But of course some people can’t leave well enough alone, so these hobbits—they call themselves hobbits but I don’t care what they call themselves, I call them criminals, start stirring up trouble. I won’t get into what these hobbits look like but believe me when I say I could. I could say a lot. They have this ring that belongs to Sauron and instead of returning his property, which by the way they stole, they decide to go throw it into a volcano.
I had to laugh at all this trouble about a little golden ring. I happen to be a man who knows something about gold and trust me, it’s not like I’m throwing rings away but I can stand to lose one ring without deploying the entire armed forces of a country to get it back, which is what Sauron ends up doing. Now, can I see Jeb Bush doing something like that? I don’t know, I don’t know, I’m just asking. Maybe if his wife asked him to, maybe he would. I don’t know.
Personally I’m a very peaceful person. I’ll go out of my way to avoid a fight, I like to bring people together. But okay, I’m not criticizing Sauron here, because obviously he has every right to get his property back, the ring is his and he can do what he wants.
These criminals meet these other characters and they form what they call a fellowship, but can we just be honest and call it a gang? It’s a gang. A bunch of criminals in possession of stolen property is a gang. I think gang is the only word for that. And this guy Aragorn, the leader of the gang, he’s got to be one of the worst characters in the history of the written word, and I’ve read hundreds if not thousands of books. People don’t know I’m a reader, but I am. Moby Dick is a wonderful book, I’ve read Ulysses twice and understood it very well. In fact I looked through one of these guides, these books you’re supposed to read alongside Ulysses to help catch all the little references and keep track of things, and I noticed a very kind of troubling number of mistakes.
Aragorn is this guy who is supposed to be the king, he’s the rightful heir, but instead of taking power he ran away to wander around in the woods like some kind of creep. Very weird. Very odd. And it’s actually very upsetting, because the other characters treat him like he’s this big hero, but if you ask me, and you should ask me, I don’t trust a king who won’t take responsibility for his kingdom. I mean, when my Atlantic City casinos were faltering—I’ve taken grief for this, actually, people have attacked me viciously, like you wouldn’t believe—people say I declared bankruptcy to avoid losing money on those casinos but what they don’t understand is I’m a smart man and very good at business and what I did there wasn’t run away, instead I turned the whole situation into a profit for myself and my companies. That’s what a king does, not go off into the woods. But in Middle Earth they act like Aragorn is a hero and Sauron, who has taken total responsibility for his people and made I’m sure lots of big difficult decisions, is a villain. That’s how sick this Middle Earth is. Very weird, very broken place.
The craziest thing is that this gang, these criminals, in order to destroy Sauron’s ring they actually sneak over the border into Mordor. Can you believe that? They cross right over, like it’s nothing. Totally disgusting. I can’t help but think Sauron’s whole situation could have improved if he’d bothered to put a wall up around Mordor, protect the border and take anyone who’s not an orc—all these elves and hobbits and dwarves and whatever else and send them home. And if they want to come back into Mordor the right way, okay, fine; but if they don’t want to come back the right way, if they think they’re above the law, then they’ll have to deal with the Uruk-hai. Is that harsh? Is that a harsh stance? I’d say no, I’d say it’s adhering to the law of the land.
I don’t want to give away the ending of the series because, people don’t know this but I was one of the first people to have something spoiled for them, I know how frustrating that is, but I’ll say this series is one of the great sort of tragic satires in western literature. I think there are a lot of parallels to the America we’re living in right now, I think Tolkien would have loved me because I think I’m one of the only people to read this book and really get it.