Drunk on truth to stupid baby power.

Things That Scare Me More Than Supposedly Scary Movies

MMH

Scarier than Halloween – My dog could go outside to pee at night and disappear from my yard, even though I have a fence. She’d just be gone forever, maybe taken by an owl?

Scarier than The Babadook – Identity theft.

Scarier than Paranormal Activity – What if there’s something about me that makes me inherently unlovable?

Scarier than The Exorcist – ISIS

Scarier than Scream – What if we’ve already been in the same room at the same time on purpose for the last time ever?

Scarier than Night of the Living Dead – Lyme disease

Scarier than Poltergeist – What if lumber falls off a truck on the highway and smashes my skull before I can change lanes, leaving me in a vegetative state, and a deranged orderly draws a face on my penis and takes pictures of it and uses the pictures to create a hit webcomic? What if he gets a book deal?

Scarier than Insidious – What if we never speak again either, and your voice—which used to ring as loud in my head as my own inner monologue—begins to fade?

Scarier than Sinister – What if everyone I trust and love actually hates me and is working against me towards sinister ends?

Scarier than The Conjuring – Forgetting my wifi password

Scarier than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – What if I’m working this hard all the time for nothing?

Scarier than Hostel – I’ll get killed in a mass shooting at the theater during a movie I’m not even enjoying.

Scarier than Psycho – What if some maniac shoots me in the face at the gas station as part of a gang initiation? And then in ten years gets arrested and repents in jail, and musicians I’m a current fan of rally for his release?

Scarier than The Ring – What if once you’re gone I never feel normal again, or find out this is normal and the way I felt before was something else?

Scarier than Saw – Getting a flat tire.

Scarier than 28 Days Later – David Letterman is going to die one day

Scarier than The Thing – I’m going to die one day

Scarier than The Shining – Dying surrounded by supposed love ones who, as I breathe my last breaths, reveal that they have secretly been working against me towards sinister ends for years and years and years.

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