1. Do you commemorate John Lennon’s death by letting a lunatic shoot you with a gun every December 8th? And every year your family tries to talk you out of it, you mother crying and pleading with you on the phone not to let your Lennon fandom put your life at risk? And you’re like, Mom, if my love of Lennon is pure enough then the bullets will pass right through me! And she’s like, of course they will, Stuart—that’s what bullets do! And you laugh but she doesn’t laugh.
If so, YOU ARE VERY LENNON. John would love your commitment to your beliefs and dark sense of humor.
2. Have you ever broken into the burn ward at a Children’s Hospital to steal medicine and take pictures for your perverted website?
If so, YOU ARE NOT VERY LENNON. John suffered a lifelong fear of the damage fire does to human flesh and wouldn’t expose himself to such a sight under any circumstances.
3.If you were to somehow find yourself in a Back to the Future scenario, would you fuck your aunt?
If so, YOU ARE VERY LENNON. John Lennon always talked about how he’d fuck his aunt if he could time travel. In fact, at the height of Beatlemania, Brian Epstein paid Ringo $15 a day to keep Lennon from mentioning this fantasy to the press.
4. Do you ever head down the mall to distribute photographs of your missing son in hopes someone has seen him?
If so, YOU ARE NOT VERY LENNON. John Lennon never much cared for where his children were or what they were doing.
5. Were you involved with the planning or execution of the false flag operation that destroyed the World Trade Center on September 11th, 2001, the goal of which was to create an excuse for invading oil rich countries in the Middle East and to create a homefront so cowed by fear that the common man would submit to existing in a surveillance state?
If so, WE GOT YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH. FINALLY, THE TRUTH COMES OUT.
6. Have you ever seen that movie Coneheads? Whatever happened to that girl who played the Coneheads’ daughter? She was good.
This has NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW LENNON YOU ARE, I’m just wondering.
7. Did you and your dad love the song “Imagine” and listen to it together all the time? After your dad died, did you have all his skin removed and stretched over a wax replica of Lennon that you keep in your office, so it’s like Lennon and your father have merged into one being?
If so, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN SHOOTING ME NEXT DECEMBER 8TH?