Besides his nearly fifty years in front of the camera, playing the full range of characters playable by human and animal actors alike, Dan DeVito has spent countless hours behind the scenes of some of America’s most watershed film moments. Remember all those charming crime movies after Pulp Fiction, those Elmore Leonard-type things with John Travolta? I think he did those. Like produced them or something.
Anyway, I was thinking about you in relation to him and I figured I’d put together a definitive list of the times he reminded me of you.
1. You call yourself a disruptor, but I don’t know. You seem pale and entitled mostly. Also what you’re offering doesn’t feel much different than what was there before. It just puts you and your crew on top instead of the other guys. Can’t see how anything about your business model improves life on the ground.
2. You play like an ally, but recognition-seeking is no different than any other sort of greedy behavior. Plus riding coattails is a creep’s ladder.
3. What’s your problem with kids? You were a kid. Big news: you weren’t special. You were annoying. Your parents were flawed. People tolerated you because that’s what people did back then.
4. It’s like we’re all in this boring race to be unimpressed. Being jaded isn’t a positive character trait. I liked you better when you were a little naive. We all did.
5. A text is good enough. Emergency? All the more reason to text. Calls take time. I know you like them. There are two people involved in that transaction, though, and maybe you should consider someone other than yourself for a change.
6. Smoking isn’t sexy. I can smell you from across the room, and your face turns into a raisin when you pull a drag.
7. Remember when you were bartending at Shiela’s wedding and you told that guy that finding his wallet wasn’t your problem? That was shitty. If you ever wonder why Shiela and the rest of the old gang never calls you up, that’s probably why. Maybe it wasn’t your problem, but would it’ve killed you to show a little empathy and help turn a bad experience around for someone?
8. I’ve always considered you a mediocre writer.
9. This thing you do where you become a different person any time you hang out with someone new: it’s tedious and way more obvious than you think. What can you expect anyone to think of you when you think so little of yourself?