Last week the foundations of American society were shattered by the revelation that Captain America, longtime defender of all that is red, white, blue, and confined to the parameters of the fictional Marvel Universe, is actually a double-agent in league with Hydra, the sinister global crime network (Spoiler Alert, that was a spoiler).
Yesterday, an anonymous source delivered these pages of the next issue of Captain America to the Tusk HQ.
If you thought Twitter was gross last time, hold onto your butts for what’s coming next.
(Editor’s Note: The staff of The Tusk only recommends holding onto your butt in the privacy of your own home and is not responsible for any criminal charges brought against those who choose to publicly grasp their buttocks while reading the following excerpts.)
SPLASH PAGE: Let’s get this one off to a bombastic start. It’s absolute bedlam at the Democratic National Convention as CAPTAIN AMERICA leaps onto the stage and interrupts a speech by slamming a cream pie into the face of BERNIE SANDERS. The weak-willed liberals in the crowd shriek in terror and flee at this awesome display of Cap’s power.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: SIC SEMPER SUCK ON THIS, HIPPIE!
Panel 1: Cap stands on the conference table in the Disney executive boardroom. Blood drips down his chin and streaks his chest, a few downy feathers stick to the blood on his face and uniform. The executives around the table exhibit a mixture of terror and disgust.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: …AND I’LL EAT ANOTHER LIVE DUCKLING EVERY SINGLE DAY SO LONG AS ELSA FROM FROZEN REMAINS A CIS-GENDER HETEROSEXUAL!
Panel 2: The Disney exec nearest Cap speaks up—
DISNEY EXEC: WHATEVER YOU SAY, CAP… DO YOU HAVE ANY PREFERENCE AS TO THE TYPE OF WOMAN ELSA MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN, ROMANTICALLY?
Panel 3: Cap grabs the Disney exec by the throat and hefts him up so that he’s staring into his eyes.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: NO, YOU IDIOT! I LOVE EATING DUCKLINGS AND I’M DOING IT TO CELEBRATE THE HETERONORMATIVE VICTORY THAT FROZEN REPRESENTS!
Panel 4: Cap effortlessly tosses the Disney exec against the wall and screams—
CAPTAIN AMERICA: BRING ME ANOTHER DUCK! I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS ABOUT REY’S PARENTAGE AND YOU ALL ARE ABOUT TO HEAR THEM!
Panel 1: Captain America sits on a park bench casually tearing up a Styrofoam cup and tossing the pieces at pigeons. It’s dusk, Cap’s mood is one of somber reflection.
CAPTAIN AMERICA (THOUGHT BALLOON): I’VE GOT TO FIND A WAY TO CONVINCE THE REST OF THE AVENGERS THAT A NEW NATIONAL HOLIDAY CELEBRATING PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO PICK UP AFTER THEIR DOGS IS IN AMERICA’S BEST INTEREST…
Panel 2: Same as above, Cap continues tossing Styrofoam to pigeons.
CAPTAIN AMERICA (THOUGHT BALLOON): I FEEL BAD FOR KIT HARINGTON.
Panel 3: One pigeon takes the bait, pecks at a fleck of Styrofoam…
CAPTAIN AMERICA (THOUGHT BALLOON): I LIKE SOME OF THE SONGS ON LEMONADE, BUT LET’S FACE IT…CONSIDERING SOMETHING WITH THAT MANY CREDITED SONGWRITERS AN ARTISTIC STATEMENT IS A REAL STRETCH.
Panel 4: The pigeon who ate the Styrofoam chokes and beats its wings in a panic.
CAPTAIN AMERICA (THOUGHT BALLOON): THE THING IS, IT REALLY IS ABOUT ETHICS IN GAMING JOURNALISM.
Panel 5: The pigeon is dead at Cap’s feet. He holds his cellphone over it and snaps a picture.
SOUND EFFECT: SNAP!
CAPTAIN AMERICA (THOUGHT BALLOON): THIS PIC WILL GO PERFECTLY WITH THE THINK-PIECE ON LENA DUNHAM I’M WRITING.
Panel 1: Cap leans against the counter in the Vape store and casually exhales a huge plume of vapor. He’s holding a heavily-modified vape, as is the plump clerk behind the counter, who speaks—
VAPE STORE CLERK: HEY, CAP… YOU SEE THE NEW GHOSTBUSTERS TRAILER?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: YEAH, LOOKS LIKE A STINKER.
Panel 2: Cap and the clerk continue their conversation. Vapor swirls.
VAPE STORE CLERK: WHAT DRIVES ME NUTS IS THAT IT JUST DOESN’T LOOK THAT FUNNY, BUT YOU CAN’T SAY THAT WITHOUT BEING ACCUSED OF MISOGYNY.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I KNOW. THAT FAILED CROWD SURFING BIT IS STALE, REGARDLESS OF GENDER.
Panel 3: A nerdy, bearded customer—also vaping—approaches and joins the conversation.
BEARDO: I THINK THE LARGER ISSUE IS THIS SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT THAT FANS FEEL. SOME THINGS THEY WANT PRESERVED IN AMBER, SOME THINGS THEY WANT TAILORED TO THEIR INDIVIDUAL INTERESTS, AND THE SCREAMING GETS SO LOUD THAT IT SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY OPTIONS ARE TO VIEW FEMALE GHOSTBUSTERS AS EITHER PROGRESS OR A DESECRATION. BUT BOTH ARE DRIVEN BY EITHER IDEOLOGICAL MOTIVES OR A DESIRE TO CONTROL THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, AND THAT LEAVES LITTLE ROOM FOR NUANCE.
VAPE STORE CLERK: EXACTLY. AND SINCE WHEN HAS THAT BEEN HOW ART WORKS?
Panel 4: The three men continue vaping.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I SUPPOSE IT’S PARTIALLY BECAUSE THE LINE BETWEEN ART AND COMMERCE HAS BEEN SO COMPLETELY BLURRED. CULTIVATING FANDOM CREATES DIE-HARD FANS EAGER TO FORK OVER THEIR DISPOSABLE INCOME, BUT THIS IS THE DOWNSIDE.
BEARDO: BUT ART ISN’T SOMETHING THAT’S MEANT TO BE CONSUMED, IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE EXPERIENCED AND EVALUATED ON ITS OWN MERITS.
VAPE STORE CLERK: CALLING SOME OF THIS STUFF ART IS KIND OF A STRETCH, THOUGH.
Panel 5: Continued from above.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: TO THE PEOPLE MAKING THE THING IT’S ART, BUT TO THE AUDIENCE IT’S SOMETHING TO BE CONSUMED.
BEARDO: DON’T GET ME WRONG, I UNDERSTAND THAT PEOPLE CLAMORING FOR LGBTQ CHARACTERS IN PIXAR MOVIES AND A BLACK JAMES BOND ARE REALLY JUST LOOKING FOR INCLUSION…
Panel 6: Continued. The Vape Store Clerk interrupts Beardo.
VAPE STORE CLERK: JAMES BOND IS WHITE. YOU WANT A SPY CHARACTER OF COLOR, GO CREATE A NEW ONE.
BEARDO: WHAT I’M SAYING IS, IT’S COMPLICATED. WE OBVIOUSLY NEED MORE DIVERSITY, BUT IF THE COST OF THAT IS AT BEST THE DEATH OF RATIONAL DISCOURSE AND AT WORSE CREATORS RECEIVING DEATH THREATS… WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK, CAP?
Panel 7: Captain America in deep contemplation.
Panel 8: Cap speaks—
CAPTAIN AMERICA: MONTY PYTHON HAS NEVER BEEN FUNNY!