by Lauren Parker
Guy who is really into the Beatles – He sucks in bed and will cry when “Imagine” plays. He will play you “Yesterday” on his guitar and then tell you about how his high school girlfriend broke up with him and he still isn’t over it because it’s the one time he didn’t get what he wanted. You will be forced to watch Across the Universe over and over and he will constantly ask himself why you aren’t that Evan Rachel Wood character. If you don’t push him out of a moving car, you qualify for sainthood.
White Guy Who Worships Lenny Bruce – He’s thinks he is edgy. In reality, he’s a piece of shit who wants to use racial slurs and seem brave for doing so. He will post the same Bill Hicks videos to your social media, thinking he is some sort of guide to comedy. His frat thought he was super hilarious. He has done 4 open mics so naturally he is an expert. You are going to get very bored/offended and his bed is a futon mattress on the floor.
The Militant Atheist – You see that? Look closely. There is a neckbeard definitely sprouting. He’s convinced that biologically men are dominant for a reason and despite not meeting the oppressive patriarchal standard of masculinity, will tow the party line because BITCHES AMIRITE. He will critique everyone in your life with any religious beliefs at all for being a science-hating idiot. He will constantly bully you for believing in an Invisible Sky Friend while kissing the feet of Bill Maher and Sam Harris. If that’s not enough your family will absolutely hate him.
Guy who is so into German history he’s a Hitler apologist – Laughs at jokes about Jews. Discusses how Hitler was a product of his time and an innovator. Puts a German flag on everything. Has hipster facist haircut. If you have checked off two of these things, you need to bail.
The (Non) Artist – This guy is just an alcoholic and a sex addict. He’s an artist that doesn’t have the ability to finish a piece so his apartment is littered with half-finished art pieces and he will never have any toilet paper. When you break up with him he will thank you for setting him free. He will get in touch with you when he’s in recovery to apologize for breaking your heart despite you having no memory of who he is.
Guy with nickname he gave himself – It is usually Drake. I cannot figure out why.
Guy in Top Hat for any reason (he often has a nickname he gave himself) – It doesn’t work outside of the 1800’s. No one really wants to date the Artful Dodger, no matter how much they are convinced their love will save him (it won’t).
Ed Hardy Anything – He didn’t get the memo that fakes silver crowns on striped polo shirts is the Creed of fashion. His tattoos will be topless Asian women because he “loves the Oriental culture so much.”
Khaki Cargo Shorts – You probably can still date this guy but expect to buy him an entire new wardrobe when he isn’t looking or else don’t invite him to any work or family events. Also burn those shorts because pale, hairy calves poking out of those leg holes is more than anyone should have to put up with.
Hemingway Fanboy – As a veteran of writing programs, I have fallen on this blade for you already. Do not do this. Do not fuck these people. If he has a Hemingway tattoo, don’t even speak to him.
The Guy Who Works in a Bike Shop – He’s chill with a chinstrap scruffy beard and a tendency for cycling beanies. The brim is always flipped up. He watches the Tour de France like some people watch the World Cup and will have very intense opinions about Lance Armstrong and Denmark’s cycling chances. He dropped out of college but he is totally going back in the spring to major in childhood education or mechanical engineering or environmental science. He wants to be his own boss but fails to realize that in order to do that you have to actually follow through or create a business plan. He will be insufferable on bike rides together and will never have a job with health insurance. You will try to make it work, make the decision that he is never going to get it together, and you will have to be responsible for everything for your entire marriage.
Men – You’ve just graduated. Time to commit to full time lesbianism!
Lauren Parker has written for The Toast, Shipwreck SF, and more.