Thank you so much for the opportunity to diagnose you. I found a lot to love here, especially in the kidney and lower abdomen. You certainly have unique vocal cords that really set you apart, and I thought your lymph nodes were, honestly, spectacular.
You’ve clearly done your homework: you’ve avoided any hard drugs, you’ve kept your high cholesterols and stressors to a minimum, and you didn’t inherit any major medical problems. That right there puts you several steps ahead!
Unfortunately, your lungs did not speak to me. Right now, the hospital is way oversaturated with people dying of cancer, and I just can’t figure out a way to sell anybody on saving your life, the way things stand right now. You deserve a doctor who can really cure all your ailments.
Additionally, certain passages in your bones were completely unsympathetic, and I could not find anything to relate to in the fact that leukemia is metastasizing rapidly all across the cells in your ribcage. I wish you had come to me just a few years earlier– you could have been the next Lance Armstrong. I really mean that.
My advice would be to keep going. Sure, it’ll be tough– it was tough for all the greats! Steve Jobs. David Bowie. Andy Kaufman. Elizabeth Edwards. Walter White. That’s just how it is in today’s economy. It’s like I said in my popular series of blog posts, “You Ain’t Going to Live Much Longer, #SorryNotSorry:” you and your whole generation are, at some point, just going to have to get over this whole thing of feeling so entitled to a full, long life with a clean bill of health. It’s just not feasible anymore!
We wish you the absolute best of luck in the afterlife. Unless, you know, it turns out there isn’t one.
With benevolent wishes of peace and enlightenment,
P.S. If you or a loved one enroll in physical therapy here at St. Mary’s right now, it’s 25% off the first session! Please spread the word!