Drunk on truth to stupid baby power.

New Refutations of Pro-Gun Arguments


One morning last week I was sitting in Starbucks reading the news and I looked up to see this dude, this kid, this kind of doughy oaf I’ve seen in this Starbucks many times before, wearing his usual outfit of a polo shirt, Tommy Bahama flip-flops, and madras shorts with an automatic handgun tucked into the waistband. It’s always creepy to see someone exercising the right to walk around strapped, but that morning it was particularly jarring. The gun wasn’t even that securely tucked into the guy’s shorts, it was kind of dangling, like he’d grabbed it as an afterthought on his way out the door. There were children running around, to the display case full of cake pops and back to their parents, sort of dodging around the oaf’s legs.

And real quick, before you claim that not every gun owner is so careless or whatever, it wouldn’t have been any better if the oaf had brought the gun into the store enclosed in a big iron safe with a time lock and a laminated certificate of gun safety expertise hanging from a lanyard, not when there was a picture on my laptop screen of a cordoned-off church, not when (at the time this was happening) a demented nerd who had turned his head full of garbage into an act of mass murder was still on the prowl in South Carolina.

I almost wrote “an act of unimaginable violence” in the last sentence of the above paragraph, but stopped myself, because obviously walking into a church and murdering nine people is no longer unimaginable. Prediction: that once-common phrase will soon completely fade from the lexicon.

So, I started imaging what kind of conversation I might have with this oaf, this fat fuck, this preppy dope prancing around with a murder machine in his pants. I imagined that if he was able to make coherent points that they’d probably be talking points, the stuff the NRA website advises gun-fucks to say, stuff designed to shut down conversation. But instead of replying with the things progressive websites advise one to say in the face of that shit, instead of buying into the same lifeless discourse mass murders tend to provoke—and how exciting is it that we’re at the point where mass murders provoke nothing better than discourse, and that it’s now a tired, predictable cliché—I tried coming up with new responses. Things that I feel express my feelings better than facts and figures and illustrations of how fallacies work. Stuff that’s ultimately about as meaningful as the shit that spews from these gun-fucks’ filthy maws.

“An armed citizen can prevent a mass shooting”

Spit in this person’s face. Aim for their eyes. Ask them, Why didn’t you prevent that, then? When they open their mouth to respond, spit in their mouth and point out that bullets come faster than saliva and do much more damage.

“Proposed gun laws will put us on a slippery slope”

Shove this person down the nearest actual slope.

“We should arm teachers”

Pour maple syrup in this person’s hair.

“I am a responsible gun owner and firearms are an important part of my heritage”

Take this person’s hand and squeeze it tight and tell him he won’t be a man until he stops searching for a father.

“The real issue is mental illness”

Drop a copy of the DSM on this person’s foot.

“They should ban violent video games”

Make a big pile of old Atari games on the hood of this person’s car and set it on fire.

“I have the right to self-defense”

You could ask this person why they think it’s fine that their sense of safety should come at the expense of everyone else’s, but how about this instead—take this person in your arms. Hold them as you would your own brother or sister, one you haven’t seen in too long. Tell them, I know you are afraid, but rhetoric doesn’t kill fear, it cages it. Cage your fear and you’ll spend the rest of your life in service to that cage, fretting over cracks and rusty hinges. I know the emptiness you feel, too, but emptiness cannot be filled with ideology. Ideology echoes in the emptiness and becomes deafening. Kill your fear by allowing the emptiness to grow until fear tumbles into the chasm, then accept that the journey of your life is to fill that chasm anew every single day. It will be incredibly difficult. There will be times you think you’ve finally got enough to stay topped off only for the source to fade, there will be times when you think you’ve filled it in only to discover it goes deeper than you ever imagined. But you have to keep trying, because trying is the point and you’re winning as long as each evening as you settle down to sleep you ask yourself, What kind of person do I want to be in the morning?

Say all that, and if the person comes back with something like…

“An armed society is a polite society”

Tell them to go fuck their mother.


7 Responses to “New Refutations of Pro-Gun Arguments”

  1. Jen Irving

    Your blog posts adds very little.
    What does this ‘fat fuck’ jocks weight have to do with anything? You sound rather upset that a younger male dare to exercise his rights in your vicinity, yet mothers with children don’t suddenly shelter their children close to their fat bosoms. Because they know this is the world they live in, and no amount of starbucks and liberal blogging can protect them.

    Spit in my face and you can expect to find out what protections concealed carry to rightful owners can accomplish.

    • tombatten

      I didnt delete your comment, this is set up so comments don’t appear until approved. I appreciate the input! I have to admit that a lot of this was written in a very emotional–angry–state. The guy being fat has nothing to do with anything outside of me venting. I’m willing to bet yours was written in a somewhat emotional state as well, as some of it doesn’t totally make sense. In reality, if we met and argued, I wouldn’t spit in your face. That would be gross, and I meant it largely as satire. I do find it alarming that you’re I guess saying you would shoot someone who spit on you, though? That’s scary. And sad.

      • Jen Irving

        Thanks for the reply! Of course, I wouldn’t shoot you for spitting in my face. I feel the satire was lost on me in all the self righteous vitriol.

        I get it, guns are easy to get and easier to fire. The problem here is your blog is neither articulate in translating these issues into something we can discuss and indeed as satire I find it pallid.

        Whether you like it or not, guns are ingrained in the American psyche and short of ditching the hermetic, hemp woven safety of the northwest and moving to Europe, you’re going to have to live with them for the rest of your life.

        Perhaps an article attacking the subversive nature of neo-nazi right wing groups, dare we call them terrorist organizations, could produce a nice juicy piece of satire that might address some of the issues fomented by this latest abhorrent act.

  2. tombatten

    Jen–I’m sorry the content and focus of my satire wasn’t too your liking. I’m glad to hear you wouldn’t shoot someone for spitting on you, although you have to admit it was hard to tell from your first message. I don’t live in the hermetic, hemp-woven Northwest, and in fact I find the portrait of America you are painting to be sadly kind of cartoonish. It’s always a wonder to me, people comfortable calling out ‘liberal’ America as being a certain way who balk at the south being characterized as backwards, slow, racist, etc.

    Your vision of America sucks, Jen. It sucks that you think guns are here to stay ad that we have to get used to it. Thats the kind of thinking that creates dark ages. That;s the kind of thinking that keeps people slaves, that blocks people from voting, etc. America is set up to allow things to change to get better.

    If you’d like to take a shot at a lil satirical stab at right wing groups, I’m sure the editors of this site would gladly consider it for publication.

  3. Matt

    To use this awful tragedy as a platform for this “piece of journalism” is beyond tasteless.

    Do you honestly think that criminals would stop using guns if a law was passed banning them? C’mon, man! All that would do is make law abiding citizens (of which many are gun owners) easy targets for criminals and the government. When you can’t resist you become prey.

    The anti-gun crowd always amuses me. Blame an inanimate object instead of blaming the person using. Like the old story goes, I left my gun out on the porch for several hours. Many people walked by and not one was shot. Instead of trying to sanitize society by getting rid of perceived evils to fit an agenda, we need to rid society of the people who cause the problems. And not just hiding them in prisons where they get 3 meals, a bed, and a roof over their head all at the expense of the taxpayers. If you can show me a case where a gun, not the person behind it, has been convicted of murder…….I will eat my shirt.

    • tombatten

      Matt, I’m not sure how you define journalism but this is not an example of that as far as I’m concerned. I’m not sure where you’re going with the rest of this, ridding society of people who cause problems…but I’m mostly bored by you. Thanks for reading.


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