The number one thing people are talking about right now—besides how much they want me in the White House, so I can steer this country out of this mess it’s in after eight years of leadership that’s so incompetent that it borders on criminal—is Star Wars.
People are always surprised when they find out I’ve seen the Star Wars movies. And it’s true, I’ve always found reality more than compelling enough, I’m not one of these people that need to escape into worlds with wizards and spaceships or whatever. There’s a word for those people, but I’m not going to say it, because I’m a nice guy. I really am. I don’t like to say anything against anyone who hasn’t said something against me first, regardless of what these losers in the press might want you to think. These people say the meanest things imaginable about me, make me out to be a bully left and right, they’re putting their kids through college making up lies about me, but they’d better hope I get elected so there’ll be jobs waiting for their kids when they get out of college, I’ll tell you that.
No, but I’ve seen the Star Wars movies. I think they’re a lot like my good friend Dr. Ben Carson, a little mixed up. That’s okay. There are worse things. Marco Rubio, he’s like Tron—people think they like it until they really pay attention, then they see it’s boring. Ted Cruz, he’s like Krull—crazy garbage for idiots.
What would Jeb Bush be like? Would he be like… he’d be like that movie The Surrogates. Garbage reminiscent of junk.
I’ll tell you the problem with these Star Wars movies. I have five minutes between massages, so I’ll tell you what I think. The problem with these Star Wars movies is that there’s no one to root for. I watch these things and I think, who’s the good guy? Who’s the hero? Is it this whiny, moronic kid from the desert who gets radicalized by a bearded religious zealot and spends the rest of the series studying this fringe religion and blowing up everything he doesn’t like? Because that doesn’t seem very heroic to me. I don’t want to say what that sounds like. I will say it, I’ll say it: terrorism. That’s what it sounds like to me. I think it’s sick and I think it’s very, very sad that people, children, latch on to a character like that.
And then on the other side there’s this Empire, which is a fantastic example of big government run wild, led by this evil black guy—and I could make a connection to someone else we all know, this evil black guy, but I won’t because people already think I’m racist, which is absolute madness by the way. Absolute madness. If you knew, if you saw the number of black people I employ, you’d know I’m no racist. If you could see the way the blacks in my employ smile when they see me coming, you’d know.
One point worth making, the Empire could save themselves a lot of trouble by making it harder for people to travel from one planet to the other. The Rebels come and go, planet to planet, blowing things up and causing all kinds of trouble and there’s no oversight! How much trouble could have been avoided if everyone would just stick to their own planet? Or if the Empire, which is supposed to be running things, kept everyone where they belonged?
I’d call it a nightmare but it’s essentially what’s happening right now in this country, today. I wish it was a nightmare. I wish it was a nightmare so we could all wake up and it’d be over but we can’t, it’s real, and now it’s up to me to fix it.
The only character in these things worth getting excited about is Lando. Lando Calrissian. A very classy, very intelligent guy. He’s got a nice thing going on Cloud City, he’s comfortable. But they ruin him, too! Listen, Lando gives up the Rebels to the Empire because he’s smart, he knows the only way to get anything done is by making a deal. Negotiating. I’ve been making deals my entire life, so I’d know. This morning I made a deal with my doorman that I’d give him my gold cufflinks if he could beat me in a push-up contest, but if I won he had to work Christmas for free. He would have beaten me easily but I’m smart, I wouldn’t let him call his son to help him out of his wheelchair, so by the time he got up and settled on the floor his arms were so tired he could only do two push-ups, it was totally pathetic.
Anyway, Lando makes a deal with the Empire, he hands over the Rebels and they leave him alone! That’s how it’s supposed to work, and it would have been a perfect movie if it had ended there, but of course, this is Hollywood, so they have to give Lando a change of heart and have him join the Rebels and start blowing things up, too. It’s a real heartbreaker, one of the biggest tragedies in movie history, and I’d know, I’ve been watching movies my entire life.
What they should have done, what would have been smart, is if they’d had Lando give up the Rebels to the Empire and then from there we see Lando—and he keeps that golden robot, that’s his now—he keeps making deals and talking to people and making connections and then he becomes the new Emperor, over time. Lando becomes the Emperor and he fixes everything, maybe he marries Princess Leia—actually he could do better, Leia has a fantastic body but her face is too round, excuse me for liking cheekbones—and they live happily ever after. And everyone who doubted him, or called him a bully, or stood in his way, they come and apologize. They tell Lando, you were right, Lando. You were right, and you’re good enough, and your hair is fantastic and you’re a good father and good son to your own father and we never should have made up these lies about you, Lando, we’re very, very sorry.
And Lando, when these people tell him these things, does he gloat? No. No. He smiles and he says, “Thanks,” and he gets back to work making the galaxy great again. Because he’s a hero.