A Guide to the Eight Types of Trump Supporter
“The Lifelong Liberal”
Says:
I am a liberal democrat who voted for Obama twice, but now believe that America has gone astray—fallen into decline as the rest of the world rises up, and hamstrung by a strain of political correctness which prevents anyone from sharing controversial opinions. I believe Trump is the solution to these problems, and the President that America needs right now.
When what they mean is:
I am increasingly uncomfortable with Lena Dunham’s body and wish Beyoncé hadn’t brought her agenda to the Superbowl. The Hispanic teenagers who hang out in front the Food Lion near my house scare the shit out of me.
Can this person be reasoned with?
No. Shove this person into the nearest dry well.
“The Anarchist”
Says:
I don’t care much about Trump’s politics. My personal hero is the Joker in The Dark Knight—I’m someone who wants to watch the world burn, just trash all the corrupt bullshit so we can start again and come up with something better. So bring it on, Trump’s the man for me.
When what they mean is:
In ninth grade I asked Alice Hitchens to the homecoming dance and she said her dad wasn’t letting her date but then she showed up to the dance with Tony Williams, so I left the dance early and walked home and caught my dad kissing our neighbor, Mrs. Baker, on her front porch.
Can this person be reasoned with?
Sort of. This person is a libertarian in their larval stage, and with the right nudge it’s possible that the least offensive thing they’ll end up doing is opening a vape store. Win their trust with a can of Mountain Dew and a few references to seminal SoCal skunk punk’s Pennywise and go from there.
“The Loner”
Says:
I’m socially conscious, economically conservative, and feel that neither party represents me right now. I am planning to vote for Trump in order to disrupt the two-party system.
When what they mean is:
Republicans are too religious and my Democrat friends scowl when I suggest that “all lives matter.”
Can this person be reasoned with?
Maybe, but fuck it. Throw them down the nearest well, too.
“The Crybaby”
Says:
Over the last eight years I’ve routinely cried over the various ways that Obama has damaged this country. Trump is the anti-Obama, dedicated to making America GREAT instead of destroying it from within.
When what they mean is:
Obama is black.
Can this person be reasoned with?
Down the well.
“The Financial Adviser”
Says:
He must really want to be president, as he’s only going to LOSE money by taking the job!
When what they mean is:
I want to use my tax return to buy a drone quadcopter, but I’m afraid my stepson is going to break it while I’m at work.
Can this person be reasoned with?
No, but you can bribe this guy against voting with the promise of a Moviestop gift card.
“Mr. In-on-the-joke”
Says stuff like:
Trump knows exactly what he’s doing—the political system only exists to keep people down and powerless, politicians are only in it for themselves, so why not have some fun? Be outrageous, be crazy. It’s hilarious, I love it.
When what they mean is:
I’m about halfway through A People’s History of The United States and I’m trying hard to finish it before Pokémon Z comes out.
Can this person be reasoned with?
You could try explaining to this person that their cynicism is what actually keeps them powerless, but throwing them into that well will be way more fun.
“The Seeker of Truth”
Says:
Trump is arrogant and hard to pin down on the issues, but he says exactly what he’s thinking, and I think it’s refreshing to see someone running for president who is not all hung up on being nice and delivering sound bites. You know exactly where he stands.
When what they mean is:
I’m so jaded that I’m willing to overlook monstrous racism as long as it has the ring of authenticity, but the real problem is that I’ve just been alive too long.
Can this person be reasoned with?
Down the well, head first.
“Chris Christie”
Says:
Donald Trump is best suited and prepared to make America the kind of leader around the world it needs to be again
Means:
I would like to be vice-president
How to respond?
Use his fat ass to plug the top of the well.
The Tusk 
One Response to “A Guide to the Eight Types of Trump Supporter”
One thumb up! Would’ve been two thumbs up, but my left thumb is in training camp right now, stuck in a Rocky-like montage, hoping that someday it will have the opportunity to plunge itself into Trump’s eye socket.