How to Tell if Your Girlfriend is Secretly an Ant Colony Piloting a Human Body and Also Losing Interest in You
All conversation is reduced to small talk
When the two of you first started dating, you’d stay up all night talking—you’d describe the hardware store you wanted to open back in your hometown, she’d quiz you on the chemical composition of bug spray—but now you never get much further than sharing observations about the weather or how she thinks Jolly Ranchers somehow taste better if they’ve been dropped on the sidewalk.
She’s lost interest in sex
She used to be up for anything, anytime; suddenly she’s always too busy researching different methods of poisoning birds.
She stops returning your calls and texts
If I can get personal for a moment, I knew something was up with my ex, Sasha, when she started vanishing for days at a time only to claim she’d been too busy “tunneling” to get in touch. It’s not like I needed her to drop everything to talk to me, but people in healthy relationships at least touch base with each other, and Sasha was a copywriter—a job that requires little to no tunneling in the first place.
She only supplies vague details
Suddenly she’s incapable of being specific about anything, be it her weekend plans or the identity of this queen she’s always muttering about in her sleep.
You stop fighting
Fighting isn’t fun but it’s an expression of passion, and once the passion is gone the relationship is basically over. It’s a risky move, but you can always try picking a fight to see if she’s game—say something about how eucharitid wasps are pretty and interesting and see if she even bothers to react.
She starts expressing strong disdain for mammals
Sasha used to go on and on about how chitin was so much better than flesh. I’d say to her, Sasha—you’re a mammal, you don’t have the option of a chitin shell, get over it. Then she’d start in on how she thought live birth was too risky. In retrospect, all the signs were there.
She acts defensive all the time
You tell her you love her new hairstyle and she responds that changing one’s hair is typical human behavior. You express concern that fourteen sugar packets and a dead bird aren’t a balanced breakfast and she tells you to mind your own business.
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