by Lauren Parker
I am applying for the position of Governess in your home. I have recently been through some dramatic life changes involving aging out of an orphanage, being replaced as my aunt’s travel companion, and formally asked to not become a nun so I’m pursuing the next best thing – caring for children.
I’m sure you’re asking what I would provide your darling children as their formal caretaker. Fear not, I have a lot of experience. I spent my three week high school trip to Austria wandering around Salzberg while singing major key scales and most of my friends are American men with bad Cockney accents who make chalk art. I am excellent at both falling in love with kings of Siam and ignoring mentally ill wives that you have trapped in mysterious wings of your house. I love parasols and while I cannot actually sew outfits out of curtains I do know my way around a glue gun.
As for the education I can give your children or poorly behaved adult socialite, I have a college degree in the humanities and excelled at bossing around my younger sisters while scoffing at them for being too feminine. Of course I am vaguely magical or at least can fake it in order to terrify your inquisitive children into obedience and bedtimes. While I am not necessarily interested in marrying the rich, curmudgeonly patriarch of the family, I’d be open to renegotiating after a one year trial period. I am not conventionally beautiful but I am warm, endearing, and excel at emotional labor that I will expect no compensation for. Since we both know that you’re exhausted at the task of performing any sort of parental affection to your offspring, I will be there for you. I am firm, kind, patient, and will take your children on adventures with animated penguins that are in no way triggered by hallucinogenics. I also will be emotionally available to that oldest daughter who keeps trying to run off with Nazis while you remain stoically distant but it will be an additional fee and I charge per Nazi. Your daughter’s virginity will be safe under my care so you can sleep well at night.
It is best to reach me by sending correspondence up a chimney, but if your need is urgent you can contact my agency. I do hope you have adequate broom parking but if not I can also travel via talking umbrella. If carpool services will be needed, I grew up around horses and as long as you provide said horse and or carriage, I’d be happy to ferry friends to soccer practice.
Lauren Parker is a writer based in Oakland. A harbinger of chaos, she spends most of her time hunched over her computer working on her podcast, Listener Beware, and writing her novel. She also sells validation for $10. She has written for the Toast, the Tusk, Ravishly, The Bold Italic, Harlot Magazine, and plain china. You can find her at www.laureneparker.com or follow her on Medium.