Drunk on truth to stupid baby power.

How to Talk to a Woman Whose Child Is Being Held for Ransom

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A woman whose child is being held for ransom is experiencing a terror that most of us will hopefully never know, but this doesn’t mean she’s completely unapproachable. In fact, she might appreciate some male attention, if only for the momentary distraction from what is probably a loop of worst-case scenarios running through her head day and night.

That being said, approaching a woman whose child is being held for ransom can be tricky and is only a worthwhile venture if there are no women without children being held for ransom around, or else if she’s smoking hot.

Here’s an example of what not to do.

Man: Hello.

Woman: Hi.

Man: Can I borrow your pussy for a second?

A woman whose child is being held for ransom will almost definitely not respond well to this kind of direct approach. Instead, how about something like this:

Man: Hello. I understand that your child is being held for ransom.

Woman: Yes. Are you the hostage negotiator?

Man: No. I’m your knight in shining armor.

In this second scenario, the male suitor is showing the woman whose child is being held for ransom that he is aware of her situation. The line about being a ‘Knight in shining armor’ serves a dual purpose, first playing on her status as a woman in need of assistance, and secondly as a cheesy joke that will hopefully defuse some of the (very understandable) tension she is feeling.

You’ve made contact—now comes the hard part. If you’re going to get her number, you’ve got to keep the conversation going, charming her while staying cognizant of the fact that she might never see her son or daughter again. Here are some common mistakes men in this situation make.

Approaching in a nervous manner

While an awkward, stilted approach might attract a woman at an indie rock show or in a stationary store, a woman whose child is being held for ransom doesn’t need more nervous energy in her life. And that’s not even the biggest problem with coming off as nervous when speaking to her!

Man: Hey, I was um, well, uh…would you, uh…that is…

Woman: It’s you, isn’t it? You’re the kidnapper! Give me back my son! Someone! Someone help!

Nervous or squirrely behavior is going to come off as suspicious, and a woman whose child is being held hostage has a right to be suspicious of almost everyone. So be confident!

Giving up too easily

To be frank, a woman whose child is being held for ransom is going to be preoccupied. She might even be so lost in thought that she doesn’t realize you’re speaking to her!

Some men might be discouraged by this and walk away. But guess what? No woman, even those who are childless or whose children are accounted for, respects men who lack confidence or conviction.

Man: Hey.

Woman: [stares vacantly at the phone, which does not ring]

Man: Hello there.

Woman: [Screaming silently]

Man: Excuse me, ma’am?

Woman: Oh, hello. How can I help you?

Man: Well to be honest, I was hoping I could help you.

Show her how interested you are by making sure she sees you and that your interest is clear. If after making contact she clearly isn’t interested, then the right thing to do is walk away. But walk away too soon and you have no one to blame but yourself when you die alone at an elder care facility where the nurses steal your medicine and strap you to a chair before flaunting their breasts at you, later denying this by telling everyone you’re just a demented old fool.

Mentioning the chances of her child ever being found alive

Some guides to approaching women whose children are being held for ransom actually advocate this approach, as it supposedly makes the woman feel more vulnerable and in need of comfort. That may be true, but nonetheless that kind of behavior is predatory, and no way for a true gentleman to comport themselves.

Of course, it’s possible that the woman whose child is being held for ransom will broach this subject herself, as it’s definitely on her mind. If so, make sure to change the subject smoothly.

Woman: I can’t help but think that even if I somehow come up with the money they’ll still kill my son/daughter.

Man: Speaking of killed, have you watched the new season of Narcos on Netflix yet? Because that guy who plays Escobar totally kills it in every Emmy-worthy scene.

In that example, the suitor doesn’t just change the subject, he creates new avenues for further conversation. Maybe they move on to discuss Narcos, maybe they talk about another Netflix series, maybe they talk about their Emmy picks. The important thing is, They’re talking.

Pretending you’re unaware of her situation

You also don’t want to pretend to be unaware of the awful situation she’s in, as that might make you appear callous or even dopey. She needs to know that you know what she’s going through and sympathize.

Forgetting to flirt

Flirting is the classy way to communicate sexual interest in another person, and that’s the entire point of approaching this woman in the first place, isn’t it? Otherwise, why are you bothering her? Many men believe that outwardly flirting with a woman whose child is being held for ransom is too forward or inappropriate, but that’s because they’re doing it all wrong, as in the following example.

Man: Hey.

Woman: Are you the hostage negotiator from FBI?

Man: No, I’m the cunnilingus expert the Female Body Inspection office sent over, and I just decided to take this case pro bono.

This guy came on too strong and totally blew it. Better to keep things light, as in the following:

Man: Hey.

Woman: Are you the hostage negotiator from the FBI?

Man: No, but if your son/daughter inherited their looks from you, I can see why the kidnappers chose them to snatch up.

Woman: Oh, you.

While there are some who believe it’s wrong for a man to approach a woman whose child is being held for ransom, I personally believe that it’s fine as long as the male suitor is being respectful. The heart wants what it wants, as the saying goes, and at the end of the day I’m just a real romantic at heart.

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