Fantasy Responses to My Election as President of the United States
My ex-girlfriend and her husband
–I can’t believe your ex-boyfriend is President of the United States now.
–I know. Does it bother you?
–Yeah, it bothers me so much. It consumes me.
–Even though you’re a decorated fighter pilot, you’re still bothered by him being President?
–Yeah. Because think about it, as Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces, he’s my boss now.
–Oh my God, he is your boss.
–Yeah. Hey, let’s not have sex again for the duration of his term in office, okay?
–Good idea. In fact, let’s start sleeping in separate bedrooms.
–Let’s not even talk to or look at each other.
–That definitely seems to be for the best.
My parents
–I’m so proud of our son.
–Me too. Can you believe we gave him such a hard time for burning his Latin textbook in a bucket in the garage when he was sixteen?
–Remember how you screamed when he said he did it because Latin sucks?
–Thinking about it now, Latin does suck. Remember all the times you made him feel guilty for saying he was too busy to call home?
–We certainly made some big mistakes as parents.
–Let’s not call him to say that, let’s just leave him alone.
Vladimir Putin
–What do we have on this Batten fellow?
–He once did fifty-seven pushups.
–Sure he did. How old was he, twenty?
–No, sir. He was thirty-four.
–How many breaks did he take?
–None.
–He did fifty-seven pushups in a row with no breaks when he thirty-four years old?
–According to our intelligence he did, yes.
–Girl pushups?
–No, sir. Man pushups.
–Hm. I’m going to need to think about this.
–I’ll give you some privacy, sir.
–No, don’t leave. I can’t be alone right now.
My third-grade bully
[Spends eleven minutes staring at the Batman comic he stole from me on the bus in 1990 before erupting into an anguished scream that continues until the police arrive and, after failing to calm him down, club him unconscious.]
Another ex-girlfriend and her girlfriend
–Even though breaking up with him was an important step in my journey of personal discovery, I have a lot of regrets about how I ended things. I should never have told him his tweets were stupid. That was petty.
–I wish I’d known before we started dating that you didn’t like his amazing tweets.
–Does that mean we’re over?
–We’re not over but I don’t think we should have sex again for the duration of his term in office.
–I was just thinking the same thing.
–And it’s not because– I want to stress that I’m sure our relationship isn’t weird for him.
–Of course not.
–In fact, if he found out that we’re not having sex for the next four years…
–Possibly eight years!
–I’d go as far as to say probably eight years. If he knew about this, he’d encourage us to have sex.
–But not in a creepy way.
–No, not in a creepy way. He’d want us to be happy.
–That’s all he’s ever wanted, regardless of what he said at Jared’s party that time.
–Well, you had just called his tweets stupid.
–I know, I know. Don’t remind me.
The Tusk 
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